SALT LAKE CITY, UT – A pair of 20-year-old college students, Jacob Hensdale and Mark Richards, were arrested this week for possession of Coke while driving just east of Salt Lake City on Interstate 80. After being stopped for speeding, a Utah Highway Patrol officer noticed two one-litre bottles of Coca-Cola in the car’s cup holders. The pair was immediately taken into custody.
“We see cases like this a lot out here. Kids come into Salt Lake looking for a good time and then get turned onto some bad stuff,” said arresting officer Jacob Robson. “I for one blame the parents. These kids wouldn’t have Coke habits if they had been raised in the arms of our lord and savior Jesus Christ. They should have been brought up with the Book of Mormon. Have you read the Book of Mormon? I have one in the car if you haven’t. Hold on, I’ll go get it.”
Though Hensdale purchased the Coke legally in Montana before the trip, it is considered an illegal drug in the state of Utah, and warrants quick and severe punishment.
“We simply cannot tolerate these drug peddlers in our state,” Robson said. “First it’s Coke, then the kids want to try something a little harder, so they reach for the doctor. Dr. Pepper. More like Dr. Feelgood-forget-all-your-problems-and-run-off-with-the-boy-down-the-street-for-a-little-hide-the-pinky. I see it all the time. And from there they move on to the real hardcore stuff like Mountain Dew and Surge. Nope, those things aren’t permitted in the Book of Mormon, which I just happen to have a copy of in my car if you want one. It’s a companion to The Bible. Hold on, I’ll go get it.”
Hensdale and Richards, both Montana residents, are shocked at the allegations, claiming that the Utah police have nothing to hold them on and maintain that they had no idea Coca-Cola was illegal in Utah.
“Come on, it’s a freakin bottle of pop,” Hensdale said. “They’re just pissed because they can’t drink it. All they can have is Sprite and 7-Up, and that shit sucks after a while. You know, if they just tried it, just once, I bet they’d be hooked and they’d want it all the time. They would think about it, all day, and go into fits when they don’t get it. Man, it’d be intense. The high highs, the low lows, man they would get it all. If only they would take one drink, which I’m willing to give them free of charge. Just a little taste. But the next drink will cost them.”
Possession of Coke carries a minimum 12-year sentence in the state of Utah. Both Hensdale and Richards have been released on bail but a trial date has yet to be set.
“When we come back for the trial we are gonna bring a 12 pack of coke for the whole jury. Not a single person will judge us guilty after they drink down one of those nice, refreshing, cold beverages,” said Richards.