VORGON 9 – Just over five years ago, a rag tag group of misfits with ideas of UFO’s and castration took the United States by storm, but then seemingly vanished into thin air shortly after their bodies were found after what appeared to be a mass suicide. But Tuesday, in an announcement broadcast from beyond our solar system and picked up via satellite TV, members of the Heavens Gate cult announced that they finally reached the spaceship and are in fact not dead.
“Man, life here is so fucking great. The aliens let us do whatever we want,” said Heavens Gate leader Do. “We can stay up as late as we want, no curfew. And the TV reception up here is fantabulous. Seriously, we get 80 different channels of the Spice Network. We even get Norwegian Spice. And let me tell you, those chick can do some crazy shit. We eat ice cream whenever we want! Can you? I don’t think so! Yeah, now all you people wish you could’ve come with us, huh? Well, we told you there was a spaceship and you all thought we were nuts, but who’s laughing now? Yeah, that what I thought. See ya, chumps.”
The broadcast, delayed several years from space travel, showed 12 of the Heavens Gate members taking turns addressing the people of Earth and describing their new accommodations. Little was said about their alien counterparts other than “the anal probes and dissections are kinda shitty but it’s all worth it in the end.”
“Yeah, up here, we’re all having a blast,” Do said. “Though I will admit to one draw back. I was totally wrong about the whole castration thing. Totally wrong. But eh, what can you do? We can still get off in other ways. So we ain’t got the berries, we still got the stick. And that’s all these aliens need for a party, if you know what I mean. Besides, they have this ray, that when you shot someone with it… instant orgasm. It fucking rules – although as Barry found out, there is a limit to the amount of orgasms you can have in an hour without blowing a fuse.”
The Heavens Gate cult reached national notoriety in 1996 when a large number of the following “committed suicide” in an attempt to reach a spaceship that was trailing the Hale-Bop comet. At the time, it was assumed that the cult was nothing but a group of fanatics, letting one man manipulate them into shaving their heads and cutting off their testicles. But with these new revelations, the general public is beginning to wonder how right the Heavens Gate people were and many are beginning to look back at other fanatical cults.
“Wow, this is just so crazy,” said Rachel Daniels, chairwoman of People Against Cults. “This very well could change the entire way we classify quote unquote ‘cults.’ I honestly would have never seen this coming. It really makes you think doesn’t it? I mean what if that David Koresch guy really was the second coming of Jesus Christ. If he was, we are all in serious shit, you know what I’m saying? They scariest thing of all though, is what if the Mormons are right? Ooo, I don’t even want to think about that. That gives me the creepy willies all over.”
The members of Heavens Gate expressed no remorse for leaving their family and friends behind and so far have refused to ever come back to Earth.
“Why should we all come back? You guys thought we were nuts and wrote us off as a bunch of freaks,” said Heavens Gate member Willy Stern. “Well, fine. We don’t want to come back to your no-fun planet anyways. Besides, we are heading to ASDE 3-b. The aliens say it is full of big tittied Asian girls. Well, their not really Asian girls. That would be crazy. But they have these slanty type eyes, so I just made the connection. So they’re Asians now. We should be there in about 20 million Earth years… or in our time, two days. Suck it Earth!”