President Bush Details His Homeland Security Plan

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President Bush meets with reporters to discuss his Homeland Security Plan.
President Bush meets with reporters to discuss his Homeland Security Plan.

WASHINGTON, DC – During his weekly radio address to the nation, President Bush unveiled his Homeland Security Plan stating that “this plan will protect Americans from shore to shore – and all those people in between. Unless of course you are a terrorist, then you won’t be safe.”

Bush’s plan involves a six-layer defense structure and will reportedly cost in excess of three billion dollars. Bush hopes to have the entire plan in effect by 2015.

“The first level of this plan is pretty darn simple and has been used in my native Texas for years,” Bush said. “This first line has been dubbed ‘Redneck Patrols’ because that’s what it’s going to be. A whole bunch of cowboys piled into a truck, Ford or Chevy depending on their affiliation, cruising along American highways looking for anyone who looks suspicious or foreign. And while we won’t be issuing these patrols weapons, they are encouraged to bring their own, whether it be rifles or baseball bats or baseball bats wrapped in barbed wire and dipped in broken glass – it doesn’t matter which. We feel that this will be the hardest part of the plan to get off the ground. Because of this, the plan has already been started with recruiting happening in Texas, Missouri and Mississippi with Pat Buchanan screening possible candidates.”

The second level of defense, according to the plan, is the tagging or collaring of every foreign citizen in the country. The tags and collars will incorporate electronic monitoring systems, much like those used by biologists studying wild animals, to keep track of foreign citizens. These collars will provide the FBI and CIA valuable information regarding the whereabouts and migration habits of every foreign citizen within the border at all times.

“Mandatory Christian Church attendance on every Sunday will be the third level of the plan,” Bush said. “Now this one is important. We all know that terrorists hate America because every one here loves Jesus Christ. So, if we make Christian church mandatory, everyone not at said meeting must be a terrorist and should be rounded up immediately. These people, or terrorists, because again, everyone who doesn’t worship Jesus is a terrorist, will be captured and sent to ‘re-education’ camps where they will be forced to remember why America is number one and that Jesus is our one true lord and savior.”

Level 4, the most costly aspect of the plan consists of two-way televisions to be installed in every home, apartment and hotel room. These TVs will always be on and monitored by the CIA. The fifth and six level of defense pertain strictly to Bush and future Presidents of the United States.

“A giant, secret, underground bunker will be built to protect me, I mean the President, from any terrorist attack. This bunker will be roughly the size of Rhode Island and will house me, I mean the President, the Vice President, our respective families and anyone else we care to invite,” Bush said. “Lastly, we are in the process of constructing a giant space laser for my, I mean the Presidents exclusive use as he, or god forbid she, sees fit. This laser will be able to blow up a city at the touch of a button. I will be able to wipe Iraq off the planet in about 20 minutes… as an example of course. Not that I am building the laser to do something like that. It will however be ready by the next election year.”

Democrats and civil rights groups are appalled by the plan and have vowed to do everything in their power to stop it from being developed.

“Every single basic human right is violated by this absolutely crazy plan of President Bush’s,” said Democratic Senator Ben Williams. “Hicks in trucks with weapons? That is absolutely nuts. The TV thing I like, especially in the homes of attractive females, but we cannot allow the Rednecked citizens to get their hands on weapons and an excuse to use them. I, as a member of the human race can not sit by and let this plan go into effect.”

Bush responded to the criticism by simply stating “wait ‘til I get my laser, then we’ll see who has what to say.”

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