SEATTLE, WA – At a press conference earlier this week Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft and worlds most wealthy human, announced that he has acquired the publishing rights for the worlds all time best-selling book; the Bible.
“Over a month ago I was sitting in my bedroom next to my extremely beautiful wife, whom I have sex with all the time, and I began thinking to myself, ‘Wow, I have everything a man could ever want. Nice houses, fast cars, a great family, a wife who says I am an animal in the sack. Yeah, these things are all great, but there is one more thing I still haven’t been able to get my filthy rich, dirty little paws on; Omnipotent and universal power. So the very next day I got up after having a quickie with me wife, who says I drive her wild with passion, and bought God. Well not actually God, just his words. So I guess I bought the word of God. Ha!” Gates said.
During the press conference Gates outlined his plans for his new and improved Bible. One of the most noticeable changes will be the substitution of “Bill Gates” for wherever “God” or “Jesus Christ” is mentioned. Some other notable alterations include; the Holy Trinity will be changed to Bill Gates, Microsoft and Windows 2000; Satan will be replaced with Sun Microsystems and that whole “silly” thing about greed being a deadly sin, will be omitted.
“I’d like to take a moment and read to you a passage from my new and improved Bible. Hey, you all know it, feel free to read along. Join me as I present the new John 3:16. ‘For Ga…,’ you all thought I was gonna say didn’t you. Hey I may be filthy stinking rich, but Bill Gates is no dummy. Hey in the second that it took me to read that first part, I made a hundred thousand dollars, how ‘bout that. Anyway, ‘For Bill Gates so loved the world that he gave his only son, Windows 2000, so that everyone who believes in Bill Gates may not perish but may have eternal life and quality Microsoft products every three to five years.’ See, isn’t that much better?” Gates said.
Towards the end of the press conference Gates was asked if he intends to purchase other “out-dated and boring” religious texts. Gates replied simply “I could buy your soul.” That was the last question asked.
Gate’s latest acquisition has meet with some opposition. One woman who would prefer to remain nameless said “All us Catholics think he (Bill Gates) is the Devil. He is definitely not our God. Bill Gates is evil. That is all there is to it. He is an Evil, Evil man and just because he is the new God on the block, doesn’t mean we have to like him. He will burn in hell for this. You just can’t go around buying peoples God. That just isn’t right. And it’s evil.”
Shortly after speaking with The Scoop, the woman was struck down by what witnesses report as a ‘ray of light stretching from the heavens directly into the woman’s heart.’ The results of the autopsy will not be released until Thursday.
The beta version of Gates’ Bible, currently being test marketed, is being met with some criticism. Most critics say that the new Gates Bible is a slow read with way too many gimmicks and as one reader says, “it’s just like when that nutball (Bill Gates) went out and changed ‘Moby Dick.’ I know that he ain’t like that. I mean I don’t know for sure, but I’ve heard stories. Just look at him. Does he look like he has a 16 inch… well you know.”
Gates, a long time fan of the book and its teachings, reportedly purchased the King James Bible for $450 million, 300 shares of Microsoft stock, numerous sets of free software and the eternal rights to his soul.