TUCSON, AZ – Just five minutes after meeting his new roommates, University of Arizona Freshman Mark Jacobs knew this would be the best semester of his life. Jacobs immediately felt confident that the diverse backgrounds and ethnicities of his roommates, Rufream Arnold, Mike Oh, and Will Morales, was sure to bring about wild adventures and crazy parties.
“Man, it’s totally like something out of a sitcom,” said Jacobs. “I mean there’s me the white guy and we got Rufream the black dude, Mike the Asian, and Will the Mexican homo. Man, Will is so lucky, he fits into two minority groups. I bet he gets mad scholarships and student loans. Anyway, this is just like one of those college movies but without all the hot chicks. All we need now is the wacky neighbor who always gets us into trouble or a bitter, uptight frat guy and we’ll be set.”
While Jacobs is excited about his new life in college, his roommates don’t seem to be as enthusiastic.
“Me, Mike and Will all knew each other and we’re cool with each other. But now they throw in this skinny, little white dude who none of us have ever seen before,” said Arnold. “What makes it worse is that the dude wont shut up. He’s always like ‘Hey Rufi, say ‘Shizzle my Nizzle!’ or ‘Mike make me some of that teriyaki shit.’ The kids a fuckin’ ‘tard. He thinks we’re all a big stereotype. Seriously, he asked me if I’ve ever been to the ‘Homeland.’ Can you believe that shit? I’m from Phoenix. My family isn’t even from Africa. They were originally Australian aborigines. My mom just got caught up in the whole ‘Black Power’ movement, hence the name.”
Although his roommates are somewhat upset by Jacobs insensitivities, Jacobs feels that they will soon warm up to him and they will all become the best of friends.
“Oh man, it’s gonna be great,” Jacobs said. “We’ll go on zany road trips, get into trouble at every turn and hook up with mad amounts chicks. Or at least me, Mike and Rufi will, ya know, ‘cus Will has that whole ‘mo thing going for him. Ya know, I’d never met a ‘mo before Will and they are nothing like they are on TV or the movies. I have yet to wake up to find Will suckin’ me off. Oh well, I guess that’ll have to wait. Sitcoms usually handle those things after the characters have been well developed a little, huh?”
Morales, a sophomore Pre-Med major, said he has serious reservations about rooming with someone so immature as Jacobs has proved to be.
“This won’t be beneficial to any of us. How can I study if that dumbass (Jacobs) is constantly asking me what it feels like to have anal sex? I for one am here for an education, not to entertain some fucked up suburban kid rebelling against ‘the norm.’ I just want to study. Maybe I should just fuck him, maybe that would shut him up. Nah, I doubt it,” said Morales.