NEWPORT BEACH, CA – Shortly before boarding the “Mother Ship” actor Dustin Diamond addressed his fans and “family” apologizing for his departure from the planet Earth but leaving the door open for possible future visits.
“Thus far my mission has been a failure. After 10 years I was to have conquered the world, but instead I have only been able to rule three generations of ‘Saved By The Bell.’ My superiors are not pleased. I am to report to re-education camp on my home planet of Vixnoux 5B immediately. There is a chance that, given the right script, I could return. But we will just have to play it by ear,” Diamond said.
Diamond, known for his role as perennial nerd Screech on TV’s “Saved By The Bell,” never found his niche in the world of contemporary television.
“I know that all my fans out there will be disappointed, but this is really for the best,” Diamond said. “I am homebound, set to receive more training in the art of acting. Hopefully, I will return, but there are no guarantees. For now, all I can say is, goodbye. I will miss you as you will miss me.”
After the address, Diamond was escorted away by three eight-foot-tall aliens holding what appeared to be cattle prods. As the ship lifted off from the ground, several fans reported seeing Diamond appear in a window, waving goodbye.
“I, I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” said fan Stacy Rembleck. “He was my idol, my everything. Now he’s gone. I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I need to go kill myself now.”
Of the 38 people wishing Diamond farwell, non were more vocal than his former co-stars Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Mark-Paul Gosselaar, star of the USA Networks “Atomic Train.”
“He really was something special. And when I say special, I mean 10 inches special. That’s all I’m saying,” Thiessen said. “I may not have wanted to have anything to do with him after the ‘Bell,’ but I can honestly say that I will miss Justin greatly.”