LOS ANGELES, CA – Shortly after game seven of the 2002 World Series ended, Jesus Christ made it official; he hates the San Francisco Giants. Despite prayers and sacrifices by both players and fans, Christ punished the Giants and was the cause of their failure to beat cross state rivals the Anaheim Angles.
“Oh man, I so did not want them little bastards to win,” Christ said in a press conference after the game. “Seriously, if I would’ve let them win, we would never hear the end of it. ‘Ohh, Barry Bonds is sooo great,’ or ‘I can’t believe it, Bonds finally got his ring.’ Come on, I know I’m not the only one who hates this guy. He’s a prick. If I could I’d smite him, but my vengeful days are over and Dad gets all pissed off now when I bust out my smiting stick. But you just watch. Next year, when he has to give up the juice, we’ll all keep track of how many homers he hits… I already know of course, but you guys will just have to wait and see.”
Christ denied the recent rumors that he favored the Angels because of the “heavenly” name and continued to say he would favor any team over the Giants.
“Contrary to popular belief, and contrary to Disney, I am not an Angels fan. They suck too… but just not as bad as the Giants. If there was a team I hated more than the Giants it’s probably the Mets. Fuck the Mets and Giants both. When they play against each other in the World Series I’m just going to wipe out all of existence… Did I say when? I meant if. If they play each other,” Christ said.
The Giants players don’t understand Christ’s animosity towards the team.
“What the hell did we ever do to him? All of our players are Christian… except Bond’s. He’s a dirty communist. He is, and it’s his fault we lost. The Giants should fire his commie ass and rely on my bat,” said Giants second baseman Jeff Kent.
The Angels are reportedly ecstatic with their win, regardless of the controversy surrounding it.
“You know, it kinda hurts that Jesus says that he only let us win ‘cus he hates the Giants so much,” said Angles player and World Series MVP Troy Glaus. “But hey, I ain’t gonna argue, we won the fucking series. Suck on that Bonds! That guy is such a dick.”