WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Department of Homeland Security convened late last month to reevaluate the Terror Alert Scale due to widespread confusion among the American public. At the close of the meeting a new scale had been created which its creators hope will be much easier for the general public to understand.
“During the last Orange Level alert we realized that most Americans have no idea what that meant and what steps they should take in order to protect their families,” said Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge. “Some people overreacted, you know, murdering their children so the terrorists wouldn’t kill them, while others just went along with their daily lives snorting coke and banging hookers. This isn’t a game and we really need people to start paying attention – so we decided that this new scale was in the best interest of everyone involved.”
The current system for warning Americans about possible terrorist attacks is a five color bar, ranging from green to red, with each color representing a threat level. According to Ridge, the new system will be much more visually clear as to the threat level.
“We obviously wanted to make it as clear as possible. We realize that some people are color blind and some can’t read so we are now switching away from the color chart to a picture chart. Instead of a green bar to show a low level of terrorist activity we will now have a picture of puppies and kitties. No one is afraid of puppies and kitties and when the threat is low, they shouldn’t be afraid of terrorists either. See how this works out? It will be so simple even Bush could understand it. Opps, shit did I say that out load? I meant to say our courageous leader with a super intellect President Bush… it was all his idea because he is the greatest president… um, ever,” Ridge said.
Ridge continued to detail the new alert system and the images that will represent each level of alert. Green (low) will be replaced with an image of puppies and kitties, blue (guarded) will show a rattlesnake curled up shaking its tail, yellow (elevated) will depict Star Wars villain Boba Fett, orange (high) a picture of a homosexual in a redneck bar and red (severe) will feature an image of dead Americans with turban clad terrorists dancing on the bodies.
“When people look at the scale they will know exactly what to feel,” Ridge said. “Take the yellow scale. Sure Boba Fett looks scary, but while he is very intimidating, we must remember that he was killed by a blind guy. Now I know that all those little Star Wars nerds out there are gonna say ‘Boba didn’t die, he lives on in the expanded universe of Star Wars novels.’ Well, to that I say that you are all a bunch of nerdy little whiney girls. He’s dead, deal with it. And you’ll be dead to if you don’t take this scale seriously.”
While a part of the population thinks that the old system was fine, many citizens feel safer with the new scale.
“I don’t know much about terrorism, but I know that if I were a queer in a cowboy bar, (orange level) I know I’d be really fuckin scared,” said Wyoming resident Ed Nutten. “Before it was ‘what does orange mean?’ I didn’t know. When you think of orange, you think of Halloween and candy. Not having your face melted off by some kind of dirty bomb.”
The new Terror Alert scale will go into effect on March 10.