HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well my faithful readers it’s that time of year again. It’s that special time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to romance, the birds and the bees come out to join in their hedonistic dance and the stars of Hollywood come out, though not literally, to give themselves pats on the back. Yep, you guessed it. It’s Oscar time. And let me tell you, I’m as giddy as a virgin on prom night, which for the record I wasn’t, but that’s a whole other story. This truly is a special time of year. Right after the cocaine like high of the Grammys we barely get down when we get to feel the euphoric heroin high that is Hollywood’s night of nights.
This year’s ceremony promises to deliver more excitement than the final episode of “24” where Jack realizes that it’s his daughter that’s behind the whole plot to blow up Los Angeles. Oops, I shouldn’t have said that. Oh well, as a journalist it is my duty to report what I see to the best of my ability and if I have to break a few eggs to get to the meat of a story, so help me God, I’ll do it. That and Keifer Sutherland is a raging hunk! If he wants to come over and beat me for spilling the beans, he can!
This year the buzz is surrounding that ode to gangland excess Chicago. This movie has it all. Sex, drugs, bestiality and hookers, and that’s just one of the stars, Richard Gere. Myself, I didn’t care for this movie, but I know that people did. I like my movies to be more honest, more true to life. Like the Fast and The Furious, now there was a movie. It’s a shame that no Oscar nods came its way. I guess that it just show the hypocrisy of Hollywood.
Best actor is always a difficult pick. Who ever you think deserves it never gets it. This year though I feel strongly enough to say that Vin Diesel is a lock. That performance in XXX was heartwarming, humorous and as close to perfection as they come. I’ve seen and done a lot of government secret agents in my life but Vin’s performance was dead on accurate. You can fight the terrorists between my legs any day you want Mr. Vin. And they wont give you herpes like that durty girl you banged in XXX.
Then of course there is the most worthless award in the whole ceremony – Best Actress. If Julia Roberts and Halle Berry can win this award then you know it isn’t worth the little naked man statue that they give out. But for the sake of argument let’s go ahead and pick a winner. Um… how about… hmm… who is completely undeserving? Oh I got it! The obnoxious bitch from that shitty Legally Blonde movie. Reese Whatsherfuck. Give it to her. She was in a really terrible movie this year too, the one about the chick that’s gonna marry uber-nerd Patrick Dempsey but has to go back to Alabama to get a divorce from her brother.
Now we come to my absolute favorite award of the year – best ass shot in a feature film. This award, as it has so often before, goes to my boy George Clooney and that wonderful 4.5 seconds in Solaris. My god. I had to get up, head to the bathroom and take care of some business if you know what I mean. God bless that man and more importantly God bless his ass. Cuming, I mean coming in second, and a close second at that, is the luscious Sam Rockwell in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. That boy has no problem turning cheek and oddly enough, neither do I!
All in all, just as the years before, the people who deserve to win will not. The best movies of the year will go unnoticed and George Clooney and Keifer Sutherland will come over to my special after-Oscar party where we will have an orgasm with a little bit of oral for desert. Bon appetite!