TAMPA BAY, FL – Despite never playing a single game of football in his life, 24-year-old Tampa resident Jake Berls declared himself eligible for the NFL draft. Listed as a Quarterback, Berls was confident going into the draft that he would be selected in the first two rounds. Despite his lack of experience, Berls was drafted 17th overall by the Arizona Cardinals.
“Oh hell yeah I figured I’d go like first or second, but 17th is cool, it’s still the first round,” Berls said. “I know the game like the back of my hand. And you know how well I know that. Can I get a what-what? Anyways, I must have played 500 some games and I usually complete 90% of my passes and have well over 500 yards passing a game. And that’s not even counting my rushing yards. There isn’t anyone out there better than me at Madden 2003 so I was an obvious choice. Who wouldn’t want a winner like me on their team?”
Listed at 6 foot 1 inch and 287 pounds, Berls posted a 7.8 40-yard dash time and bench pressed 180 pounds twice at the NFL’s scouting compound in March. While Berls’ physical attributes impressed no one, his knowledge of the game impressed even the most skeptic scout.
“I saw that guy run and it looked like he was having a heart attack,” said Oakland Raiders scout Ted Dill. “Anyone who has to stop twice while running the 40-yard-dash needs help. But we sat him down and talked to him… wow, what a sharp kid. He gave us his keys to winning which oddly enough, were passing to the wideouts exclusively and running the same play over and over again. Hell if we would have known that we wouldn’t have lost the Superbowl.”
Despite Berls obvious physical impairments, Cardinal coach Dave McGinnis expects big things from the teams prominent draft pick.
“I see him fitting into our scheme nicely,” McGinnis said. “Hell, everyone knows that he’s gonna be a hell of a lot better than that chump that we’ve had here for the past six years. God damned I’m glad the Broncos picked up (Jake) Plummer. I hated that guy. True story. Last year, Jake came over for Thanksgiving dinner, and we played a little game of touch football out in the street. My 7-year-old daughter Katie had more touchdowns than Jake. Jake even threw four interceptions. God I hate that guy.”
Berls, who was previously unemployed and 12 credits short of an Associates degree from Tampa Regional Community college, is set to make more than 3 million dollars once contract negations are completed.
“Ya know, Im not greedy. I’ll take 3 mil. I’m worth about 7 per year but you have to start somewhere. The first thing I’m gonna do though is buy my Mom a new car. Then I’m gonna buy me a hooker and some coke. That will complete the two things I had on my list for life… get into the NFL and get laid. The coke is just icing on the cake,” Berls said.