Study Says Alcohol's Benefits Outweigh Negative Effects

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GOLDEN, CO – In a joint study recently released by the National Health Organization and Coors Brewing Company, the effects of alcohol have been proved to include many positive effects and consequences. Long thought only to cause problems, scientists now say that alcohol is very important in entertainment and increasing the quality of life.

“Think about it, a world where everything becomes that much more fun. All thanks to alcohol,” said Coors owner Pete Coors. “Without booze, fishing is boring. But with a nice, cool, refreshing Coors Light, fishing is a blast. It’s more fun than sex… unless you are drinking during sex. Then sex is better. And it works with everything. Fishing, softball, horseshoes, babysitting, talking to ugly people. Everything is immediately more interesting and fun when alcohol is introduced.”

While many people always had this assumption about alcohol, the theory was only recently tested.

The study, conducted between March 2001 and May 2003, used people from several different cultures and backgrounds while performing various “boring” activities. Of the total 375 participants, only 3 had negative experiences as a result of alcohol consumption.

“We were totally shocked at the results we got,” said head researcher John Gammil. “Everyone knows what alcohol does to a person, but we didn’t realize the ramifications of it all. Take knitting for example. Till now, it was only fun for old women sitting around waiting for deaths icy embrace. But you add a few twenty-something hardbodies, a case of Mikes Hard Lemonade and you got yourself a kick ass knitting party.”

According to Colorado Senator Ben Nighthorse Campbell, the results of this survey could cut back in the current legislation of alcohol.

“Right now it is illegal to be in public while intoxicated, it’s illegal to drive while intoxicated and it’s illegal to have sex with a minor while intoxicated. That could all change thanks to this survey. I for one can’t wait. I love alcohol and seeing a reduction in the legislature that currently constricts alcohol from becoming more important to Americans will make me and my fellow Coloradoans very happy,” Campbell said.

College students have long been supports of alcohol, constantly advocating on alcohols behalf, however those college students have been overlooked and written off as obnoxious kids states Coors.

“College kids have always said the same things that this study now says… we just didn’t listen to them because they are always drunk and rioting or having sex in public places or showing their boobs in one of them videos. Those videos are great but still… it doesn’t help your point when you get tore up and show your tits to some dude with a video camera,” Coors says.


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