HOLLYWOOD, CA – Well boys and girls, it’s that time of year again. The time when a young man’s thoughts turn to desire and the beautiful only get beautifuler. Yup, it’s summer, and I for one haven’t been this excited for a season sine the 1990 baseball season when that saucy Lenny Dykstra was playing for the New York Mets. Let me tell you, that summer I watched that little firecracker play while I played my own little baseball game, in my crotch! But enough about my teen years, lets get to the business at hand, and that business is summer trends.
I, your lovable host to everything that’s important, will guide you on a magical journey through all that is hip, cool and even slightly interesting. First off we’ll get into the dark, disturbing world of fashion. This year’s hottest summer fashion is something we haven’t seen since the days of Bell Bottoms and afros. Ugly. Yup, you heard me right, ugly is in this summer and I couldn’t be happier. And I’m not just talking ugly clothes. I’m talking ugly cars, ugly pets and especially ugly people.
Ugly is the black of 2002, it just goes with everything. And I love this new trend. I haven’t gotten this much action since Girl Scouts! If you’ve got the right look, and believe me there are a lot of people out there who do, a Chihuahua, a leopard leotard and a 73 Gremlin, you’ll get more sex than Nick Nolte!
With fashion out of the way, lets move on to the Conglomerate itself, Hollywood! The ugly juggernaut continues to tinsel town where the new buzzwords are ugly, fugly, bufugly, tofungly and oddly enough, mung.
Let me be the first to spill the beans – I have just wrapped shooting on the new romantic comedy “The Winter Of My Discontent.” I, of course, play the female lead opposite the handsomely ugly Dustin Diamond, you know, Screech from “Saved By The Bell.” We play lovers, banished apart by the nefarious Dr. Blank, played eloquently by Hary Keitel. Will Dr. Blank and his army of one-legged midgets be enough to keep two destined lovers apart? Only one-way to find out, and that’s seeing the movie in the theater the first week of august.
Music, as almost always, is way ahead of the game. We’ve all been watching over the last couple months as the music industry gets uglier and bufuglier. Someone, probably St. Carol, the patron saint of fashion, tipped off Christina Aguilera a year ago. Only now is that dirty little hooker look coming into it’s own. Who would have thought that look would hit it big.
Get ready world as every little girl across this wonderful nation dresses like prostitute 10 tricks into a months supply of crack. Boys won’t have to worry as their only reason to live, Eminem is rumored to be seeing the same destructive stylist as Christina. What ever the results, I’m sure they will be totally tofungly… and sexier than Walt Whitman in a thong.
So all you boys and girls out there in internet land, get out your best ugly face and remember, bathing is for the meek.