ARVADA, CO – Taking a cue from the state of California, the students at Oberon Junior High in Arvada have voted to recall Student Council President Eric Williams. The recall election, to be held on October 31, will be the first of its kind at the school.
“This is absolutely crazy. They think that just because I’m not delivering on my campaign promises, I should be kicked out of office,” Williams said. “They never gave me a chance. As of the first of October, I’ll have been in office for three weeks and five days. That’s not enough time to implement my platform. These things take time. I can’t just wave a magic wand and poof, the drinking fountains will have soda pop in them. It doesn’t work that way. If it did then I’d have gotten rid of this acne the day I took office. The Student Council President is a serious position that requires a lot of hard work. My family barely knows me anymore because of the amount of time I spend trying to do what is right for my constituents.”
Amongst the complaints against Williams is his perceived lack of fulfilling his campaign promises, including soda in the drinking fountains and pizza in the cafeteria every day, the schools mounting debt and his lackluster approach in resolving the monumental Bully/Victim Resolution act.
“As far as the Bully/Victim Resolution act goes, we’re making progress,” Williams said. “When this administration took office, the two sides were so far apart that the victims felt like they truly were victims. But now the two sides are closer, but still a ways apart. Can you believe that the bullies actually want a salary? That’s ridiculous. Anyways, like I said, these things take time. They don’t happen overnight as the rest of the student body thinks it does.”
Set to oppose Williams in the election are 34 students including leading actor Tate Nagy, best known for his role of Stanley in the critically acclaimed 7th grade production of “A Streetcar Named Desire.”
“If we don’t act now, (Williams) will run this school into the ground,” Nagy said. “Our budget this year is already way out of control and I heard that he looks at the other boys in the shower. Think about that. Is that the kind of president we want? I think not. We need someone in there who can handle difficult situations with a certain flair and still pull through with a happy outcome. I am the kind of man to get pizza in the cafeteria and bullies out of our halls.”
Also running is self proclaimed ‘king of the bullies’ Ed Gregg with a platform that reflects a complete opposite of Williams.
“Fuck this school and fuck Williams and his pussy-ass friends,” said Gregg. “What this school needs is a serious ass whippin’ and I am just the guy to do it. I’m pretty sure I will win too. I’ve made it quiet clear that I will beat the shit out of anyone who doesn’t vote for me. I’m gonna stand right outside the voting booth and kick as much ass as I need to. And that is my commitment to the school.”