126,034 White Suburban Kids Celebrate First Kwanzaa


COLFAX – VA, December will mark a special month as 126,034 white suburban teenagers all across the United States celebrate their first Kwanzaa. Traditionally an African-American holiday, Kwanzaa is celebrated every year with an increasing number of white teens joining the festivities.

“Man I’m so jazzed about this thing man, it’s gonna be off the heezy fo’sheezy my nizzle,” said Mark Nagy, 18, of Colfax. “See, my ho and all her bitches, they be comin’ over, ya know, to sip some gin an juice, then we’s gonna get all freaky and I’m gonna bust a nut all over that ghetto booty of hers. Fo’shizzle.”

Kwanzaa, long thought to be an exclusively black holiday, has recently begun to appeal to white teens looking for more cultural depth then they can get in the suburbs. With the influx of black culture into suburban white neighborhoods, more kids are seeing their African roots and adopting the holiday as their own.

“Well, when you think about it, it makes sense because in a way we are all descendants of Africa,” said Jason Rockwell, professor of anthropology at Brown University. “Australopithecus was a hominid that originated in Africa. When that species moved away from the African plains, it took with it a certain history and cultural dynamic. We are all from that dynamic so I say if white kids really need to upset their parents then joining in Kwanzaa celebrations is one of the best, most naturals they can do that. And if I was one of said parents, I’d just be happy they aren’t in the alley behind Taco Bell sniffing meth out of a plastic bag… like we did when we were kids.”

Kwanzaa was started in 1966, by Dr. Maulana Karenga as a celebration of African heritage. Since then, Kwanzaa has been celebrated every year from December 26 through January 1.

“Of course there are good aspects and bad aspects to these new champions of Kwanzaa,” said Charles Robertson, NAACP spokesman. “It’s always good to have more and more people accepting our holiday and more importantly, our culture. However… they are white kids and there really isn’t anything more annoying that white teens trying to be black. Except Christina Auguilera… she is worse than any wannabe white kid. But then again she thinks she’s a Mexican and they can have her. We would’ve taken her when she was acting all pure, you know, her ‘Genie In A Bottle’ days. But now, she’s dirty. So dirty.”

Despite the disapproval of most parents, the teens are excited about their first Kwanzaa.

“Man, this shit is gunna rule, dawg,” Nagy said. “Yo, I don’t even care if I get presents, yo. Though I does want that new Jay-Z album. Sure, I already gots it, but I wore that mutha fucka down, yo. Fo’shizzle. Uh, sheezy.”


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