Weight-Watching America Embraces Cocaine, Heroin Diet

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NEW YORK, NY – With grocery stores and fast food restaurants catering to America’s new diet trend, a group of three New York models are marketing a new diet which the models say “will revolutionize weight loss as we know it.”

The new diet, being referred to as the Cocorin diet, was the brain child of models Jocelyn Kenedy, Rebbeca Gerrin and Victoria Slien. The three noticed that with a steady diet of cocaine and heroin, an individual can loose up to 100 pounds in a matter of weeks.

“It came to me on like the 34th day of this cocaine binge,” said Gerrin. “When I walked into the Paris studio where I was shooting the cover of Vogue, my friend Jonah, he’s a photographer, said I looked just incredible. He asked if I had been working out and keeping an eye on my weight but I just said ‘no… I’ve just been doing a lot of H and blow.’ Then he said something about telling the world my secret but I can’t really remember… I think I blacked out ‘cus when I woke up I was being traded for cigarettes by a couple bums.”

The diet consists of no special eating habits and requires the individual to do no exercise. In fact physicians say the less the exercise the better.

“Oh no, you don’t want to exercise at all, that could really fuck you up,” Kennedy said. “When you’re on the Cocorin diet, you burn calories by staying up all night and partying and doing more and more speed. It’s a social thing. Like, I know people who are on this and they look absolutely fabulous. I can tell you, track marks are going to be all the rage this year on the runway… not that it will be any different from years past. Designers just won’t have to design and create long sleeve shirts to cover them.”

Doctors all over the world have come out against the Cocorin diet, most publishing strong anti-Cocorin articles in the New England Journal of Medicine.

“This is the most asinine thing I have heard in my 52 years as a doctor,” said NEJM chair Everett Hoop. “It’s cocaine and heroin for god’s sake. Those two substances alone can kill a person. And together they are positively deadly. Just ask Chris Farley. Well, you could have asked him, but he’s dead. All because of cocaine and heroin. Well, he was pretty drunk too. And the Percosets probably didn’t help. And we won’t even go into his morbid obesity. But besides him… there have been plenty of famous, more attractive people to die from this combination. It’s not just ugly people… although ugly people tend to die more often because they don’t have friends to find them on the bathroom floor.”

Despite the warnings, people are signing up for the diet in record amounts. In the Month of December the book detailing the diet’s essentials, “Coked Up and Lookin’ Thin,” has sold more copies than “The Adkins Revolution.” A follow up book with personal stories from dieters called “A Syringe Full of Thin” will be released in March of next year.

“People love coke and people love heroin, it was meant to happen,” said Gerrin. “And let me tell you, if (Slien) were alive today, she would be looking great. Did you see those shots from her last photo shoot? She looked positively marvelous. The boney look of her ribs and sunken eyes really added to those pictures. To bad she forgot to drink water for two weeks.”

“Of course there are some bad things about this diet,” Kennedy said. “There are bad things about everything. But there’s one really good thing that the doctors never talk about. Once you start this diet. You will never be fat again. It is almost impossible to get off this diet. It’s great. That is unless your stupid boyfriend and family have an intervention and fuck everything up. That’s why you can’t talk to them. They want you fat so you won’t be as pretty and as better then them… fucking families.”

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