LEBANON, NH – After suffering a string of Primary losses, Democratic Presidential candidate Gov. Howard Dean and his staff are revamping their strategy. Shifting away from an aggressive campaign, Dean and company will rely on tactics used by former, successful Presidential candidates.
“We are getting away from the crazy, scary Dean and instead, going with what most Republicans use – that of course is the big dumb man, barley awake but with a smug approach,” said Dean’s campaign leader Steve Fields. “Bush perfected it last time around and if it can get that jackass voted in then surely it can work for Dean. Seriously, Americans like someone that makes them feel smart. Look at Bush. That’s what we all have to do here. People are threatened by smart people. The more you think, the less likely you are to get elected.”
Dean, who at one time was the leading candidate, frightened many voters after his first primary loss in Iowa earlier this year with a loud, angry speech.
“I know that was a little mean and just not very nice but what can I say?” Dean said. “Sometimes I just get so gosh darn mad when I don’t get my way, the American way, like our troops over seas. It’s like I always say, if there is no smoke there can’t be fire. You know, let’s stop for a moment. Seriously, this acting stupid deal is hard. How do the Republicans do it so well? In order to do it I have to think about pancakes and cotton pajamas the whole time or I lose it. Cotton p.js and pancakes. Pancakes and cotton p.j.s. Holy shit, did you see Raw last week? Dude, Stone Cold stunned the Rock so hard his eyes crossed. There, did that sound dumb enough. Did I just connect with the average American or what?”
Dean and his supporters will push the new strategy beginning with the Arizona Primary, the first week of February.
“When we get to Arizona we’ll really start showing the other side of Dean,” said Dean speech writer Jerald Craig. “First thing we’re going to do is promise to sell lucrative lumber contracts to help prevent forest fires and when environmentalist ask questions, Dean will simply respond with a blank look and then mumble some stupid quip about an owl he once saw. The second thing we’re going to do is make up words. Now I know that it’s kind of cliche, but you know, you got to stick to what works, and that has worked in spades for the current administration.”
While many people are still reluctant to vote for Dean, some see this new strategy as a step in the right direction.
“Oh hell no, I ain’t gonna vote for him, he’s all crazy,” said Arizona resident Michael Hammill. “Have you seen that guy on TV? He’s all crazy. Shaking, yelling drooling. That guy scares me. Like, I don’t know if he’s running for office or tryin’ to start shit. He needs to calm down, maybe loosen that tie of his. That might help. Or he should just stab someone; prove that he’s really crazy. Then I might vote for him. But then again, I did see him in that new commercial where he is playing with that little puppy. It was cute and all but it will take more than a baby doggy to get me to vote for him.”
Dean’s camp has committed to the new strategy and realize that the public’s perception can’t be changed overnight.
“We just have to start slow, work the dumb in,” Fields said. “If we come on too strong, we’ll have another Iowa on our hands. But if we start with a little dumb here, and a little dumb there, we should have the country eating out of our hands by July. Then when (Dean) becomes President, I’m going to get so much pussy.”