SALEM, OR – In an announcement made at a press conference, friends and family of Peter McMahhn revealed that despite actions to the contrary, they in fact really did not like McMahhn and thought it would be best if he just killed himself.
The press conference, held at a local Holiday INN, was initiated by McMahhn’s step-father, Theodore Miller and attended by Miller, his wife Wendy Miller, McMahhn’s girlfriend and a number of other of McMahhn’s associates.
“We decided that this was the best way to handle things,” said Wendy Miller at the press conference. “I know it’s kind of weird to have a press conference about this, but we all felt that this was the best way to get our point across. We had to come forward and say Peter, we hate you and we wish you were dead. Your step-father, he hates you more than he hates the guy that stabbed him in prison. We’ve talked to all your friends, and they feel the same way. Even your girlfriend Monica hates you and is only waiting till your friend Bobby breaks up with his girlfriend.”
Wendy went on to say that her son wasn’t the “brightest stick in the bushel” who missed several hints that his friends and family had made regarding their true feelings.
“Man, we tried everything we could think of to get (McMahhn) to take the hint,” said McMahhn’s “best friend” Mark Hidson. “This one time, I pissed in a glass and gave it to him, I even told him it was piss, I didn’t even try to hide that fact. Fucker drank it up – didn’t even hesitate. Thought I was messin’ with him and that it really was lemonade. God that guy is stupid. And he’s not even one of those loveable retarded kid-type stupid. He’s just flat out dumb as shit. It’s annoying. Last week I gave him a loaded revolver and told him all the cool kids were playing Russian Roulette but the dickwad got distracted by something shinny and walked away.”
Towards the end of the conference, Theodore and Wendy Miller unveiled a new guillotine which they purchased in hopes McMahhn would use it to end his life.
“Peter. I have been saving for four months to buy this for you. The least you could do is use it and make our mother and me proud. It isn’t a matter of trying to do something with your life at this point. You are a fry cook and 33-years-old, still living in our basement. You just need die. We all know that and now you do. So please, come up here and make us all proud of you… for once in your god forsaken life,” said Theodore Miller.
While McMahhn was not present at the press conference, he released a statement about what his family and friends might say.
“Man, those guys, such jokers,” McMahhn said. “Even though I can’t be there for their little ‘press conference,’ I want them all to know that I love them, and Monica, I’m gonna fuck you so good tomorrow night.”