Spellympics Champ Faces Illegal Steroid Use Allegations

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Conner Stersky, age 10, spells "coitus" correctly in the second round of the Spellympics.
Conner Stersky, age 10, spells "coitus" correctly in the second round of the Spellympics.
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ATHENS, GA – The controversy over steroids in sports continued this week as it was revealed that this year’s Spellympics champion, Conner Stersky age 10, may have been using performance enhancing steroids before and during last month’s competition.

In conformance to recent Anti-Doping legislation, during the events of the Spellympics, all scheduled participants are required to complete a blood and urine test. The results of which were released earlier this week identifying Stersky as one of two participants who had illegal drugs in their system. The other participant did not place in the competition.

Anti-Doping legislation requires drug testing in all professional sports, all events ending in the suffix ‘lympics’ and all events sponsored by Balco.

“This whole steroid mess is casting a dark, dark shadow over this wonderful event. It’s a pity that a few have cheapened the whole Spellympics,” said Spellympics President Gerold Grayed. “I’m not sure we will ever recover from this. Already people are questioning if past winners took juice for an extra edge. And you know what the weird thing is? Steroids don’t even help you spell any better. But still… that’s not the point. The point is that Conner was on steroids. A 10-year-old was on steroids to win a spelling bee. Word has it, his parents spiked his Lucky Charms.”

Similar to what has been happening in other sports, Anti-Doping officials have stepped in to investigate the matter.

“It is just a shame that these sick people can ruin the sanctity of something so pure as the Spellympics,” said Chairman of the National Anit-Doping Agency. “It’s just plain wrong is what it is. Look at Barry Bonds. Every time he steps up to bat, I want to throw up. No, I want the pitcher to throw it right at his steroid engorged head. They should take away that cheaters record, just like they should take away that little boys ribbon. God, every time I think about it, it just makes me sick. Thank god I don’t have the power to decide who lives and who dies… because if I did, that little boy would be dead as Mother Teresa.”

Stersky himself has yet to address the accusations but released a statement claiming his innocence.

“I won the Spellympics fair and square. People are just jealous because I beat their kid. So all you saying I cheated can suck my A-S-S” stated Stersky.

While many are demanding that Stersky be stripped of his award, he also has many people on his side, including Major League Baseball players Jason Giambi and Gary Sheffeld.

“It is a plain travesty that this kid is being persecuted for something that he may not have done,” Giambi said. “I know his pain, for I have gone through this myself. Hang in there little bro. Don’t let no one tell you that just ‘cus you’re suddenly bigger than everyone else that you did steroids. But I got to warn you, man, if you go off the juice, don’t stop the workouts, ‘cus it looks even worse for you when you shrink. Believe me on this one.”

The Anti-Doping agency will conduct its investigation and will report back to the Spellympics Board of Directors. If at that time it is concluded that Stersky cheated, his medal will be removed.

“You’re god damned right we’ll yank his medal. It will be all I can do to not choke the little cheating bastard with it. I don’t care if he is only 10. Seriously though, look at that freak. You can not look at him and tell me that is the body size of a 10-year-old. He has a full beard for god’s sake,” said Grayed.

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White People phh.


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