DES PLAINES, IL – In an effort to capitalize on the success of the Adult Happy Meals, the fast food company McDonald’s will begin offering similar meals geared towards teens called Angst Meals. The meals will include a super-size drink, filled half full, a large French Fry, three cheeseburgers and a “special gift.”
“Taking a look at fast food consumer demographics we noticed that overall, the teen market is being ignored,” said McDonald’s Chief Operations Officer, Ralph Alvarez. “There are millions of middle class white kids running around with a shit load of money who are just begging for something to buy. The demographics also said that those same teens like to eat. After an even closer look at the demographics we noticed that McDonald’s serves food. So from there it just seemed all so appropriate to offer teens a Happy Meal type incentive to lure the little bastards into our restaurants, you know, before they get arrested, or worse, end up in a Burger King.”
The meals will include free gifts just as the children’s and adult’s Happy Meals. The first gift to be included in the meals will be a home, fake-ID generator.
“There are a number of possible surprises that we are looking into at the moment,” said Jan Fields, Central Division President. “The first, which you have already heard about is the home, fake-ID kit. Kids all need fake-IDs and getting them can be a serious pain in the ass. Just ask my 17-year-old daughter Timber. She has to go to the local University and do ‘favors’ in order to get someone to buy her beer. But now that she has this fake-ID kit, people are doing ‘favors’ for her! Now I know that some parents out there are not going to want their kids to have an I.D maker, but look at it this way. Would you want your son or daughter fallating 14 grown men for a measly piece of plastic or a 12-pack of Bud? I think the answer is clear.”
Other gifts slated for inclusion in Angst Meals are a booklet on all the popular fashions in New York and Los Angeles, a My First Chop-Shop kit that will include a Slim Jim, and an Urban Dictionary.
“Yo man, that shit is gonna be off da hook! I can’t wait to get my hands on one of them Chop-Shop kits,” said 14-year-old Patrick Johanensen. “I’ve been wantin’ to jack cars for a while now but don’t really know how to get it on. And only sellin’ me a half full drink makes it so much easier to spike… you know? I don’t have to drink half of it no more, I can just pour in the whiskey I stole from my dad right away. Shit, I wont even have to do that no more, now that I gots me a fake. See, I’m Dr. Richard Johnson. Get it Dr. Dick. That shit is sic. McDonald’s is gonna be mad busy soon. Some of my dogs are gonna be linin’ up for that aluminum spoiler they gots comin’ out next month.”
The meals, which are being test marketed in several cities, have been surprisingly well received.
“You know, I don’t necessarily agree with it, but I can see the good in it,” said James Laurie, parent of two teenagers. “I can remember when I was their age, all angry at the world. You know, no one understood me except for my two friends. And that why I think it’s a good idea, because it’ll bring friends closer. Three kids can chip in on a meal, get a burger, get their ‘buzz on’ and learn how to make meth. I see it as a win, win situation.”
The meals will be available nation wide at the end of July.