BERKLEY, CA – Three major gasoline companies gave in to pressure from local protesters this week and lowered gas prices by 15 cents. This marks the first time that gas companies have ever reduced the price of gas because of protests.
“We took it right to those evil gas companies and we won man! We did it,” said protester Jeremy “Spoony” Kendrick. “Good conquered evil… totally man. It’s like… when you watch the moon rise over the ocean, and you’re naked and totally in touch with, like, life man. That’s what beating the gas companies at their own games means to us man. Wicked!”
As gas prices reached a record high of $2.85 last week, Kendrick and his friends planned a protest in which the group asked the citizens living and working in Berkley to boycott gasoline for one week.
“Shit dude, it was awesome!” said protester Rupert “Budderick” Spence. “It was totally Spoony’s idea. We got like, all our friends to not buy gas and then we told like everyone to not buy gas. I guess it worked cus… uh… dude, did you that last episode of Sponge Bob? Dude, I know. That guy is so baked all the time. Ha. What?”
Faced with a decline of just over 11 gallons of gasoline sales for the week, Exxon, Mobile and Shamrock gas companies decided to reduce the price of gasoline.
The decision was a difficult one for gas executives to make and caused for heated board-room arguments.
“I don’t mean to sound like a dick here, but fuck those hippies. Fuck them in their dirty, dreadlocked, patchouli smelling, pot smoking, asses. The last thing I wanted to do was give in to whiney complains from a bunch of freeloading drug addicts,” said Lenny Weitz, member of the Exxon Board of Directors. “If there is one group of people I hate more than Mexicans, it’s Hippies. No, wait, I hate hippies a lot more than Mexicans. Mexicans bathe. And are somewhat responsible. And aren’t as lazy. And the women shave their arm pits. God I hate hippies. Actually, God has no part in it. If there were a God, then he would have snuffed out the hippy contingent long ago. This is all Nixon’s fault. If he would have stuck with the plan and used Agent Orange on San Francisco like he was supposed to, we wouldn’t still have these little dirt bags running around begging for money so they don’t have to call and ask their rich parents again. Did I mention that I hate hippies?”
According to Berkley citizens questioned by a national gasoline consumer group, the only person to fully boycott the gas companies was Spoony himself.
“Yeah I heard I was the only one too… but whatever man,” said Spoony. “I was actually gonna get gas but I totally got fucked up on this wicked shit my brother brought back from Amsterdam. It was called The Dolphin. Man, that was some great shit. It was like I smoked a dolphin and then went swimming in the ocean with a different dolphin. Man. But yeah, I was gonna get gas but I was too fucked up to find my keys.”
After succeeding in reducing gas prices, Spoony and friends are planning similar boycotts of Tower Records, Big Fat Burrito and Teva.
“First thing, that burrito place is way to expensive man. They used to be cool, but now, they are like forgetting who made them big. Us man. Us. Chragin’ $1.50 for a bean and cheese burrito is terrorism man,” said William “Hookah” Theron. “And for like Tower Records… they need to learn that suing people for downloading songs is bullshit. And Teva, we just want some free sandals… ha ha. Shhh, be cool man. Don’t tell ‘em cus they’ll call the pigs on us again.”