HOUSTON, TX – A recent survey by Car & Truck magazine concluded that there exists an indirect relation between the lift in a truck and the size of the owner’s penis – meaning that as the size of the lift increases, the penis size decreases. Although the relationship had been previously speculated by much of the American population, the survey marks the first documented evidence of the correlation.
Despite some truck owners taking exception to the report, Car & Truck Editor “Big” Ralph Hendrickson stands by the survey.
“Look, I ain’t exactly happy about it either,” said Hendrickson. “I mean, I have some big lift on my truck. But we took a damn serious approach to this here topic and we found that all them rumors and psychology is true. Fact is, if you have a lot of lift on your truck, you either have a small Johnson or you are havin’ some repressed homosexual desires. Or if you are a woman, you’re likely to have some serious penis envy.”
According to Hendrickson, the study was conducted by sampling 12,000 trucks and associated owners in twelve states across the country. Owners of lifted trucks were asked to measure the size of the lift and then the size of their penis. In order to correct reported penis size, the magazine used the standard formula of multiplying reported penis size by 40 percent.
“When we first started receiving measurements, a gal on the staff here said that the numbers comin’ in for penis sizes couldn’t be right,” said Hendrickson. “We were getting numbers in the double digits. So I went and asked a research assistant at the local community college and they told me that when dealing with penis size reported by men, there was some 40 percent lie. So when we applied the formula that he’d gave to me to the sizes on our sheets, we began to see a lot more better of measurements.”
The survey, which will appear in the November issue of Car & Truck is already being disputed.
“That is bullshit. BULLSHIT,” said 18 inch lift owner Mark Trainer. “Just ‘cus I put a lift on my truck doesn’t mean my cock is small. Look, I’ve asked every woman I’ve been with and they all said I was huge. That I was the biggest that they’ve ever been with. Now are you saying that all them chicks are lying?”
According to the survey, Trainer’s penis measured a petite 4 and one-half inches.
“Yeah, that was pretty funny,” Hendrickson said. “This jackass came in talking all big, and he actually put his name down on the paper. This was a blind survey. We probably should have erased his name, but our office girl thought it was funny ‘cus he was rubbin’ his nub as he was tryin’ to hit on her.”
While the results have hit the truck driving world pretty hard, most of the general public sees the relativity of the results.
“I knew it,” said Tracy Doughty of Phoenix, AZ. “I’ve been with a few guys who had big trucks, and they were all small. But that would have been fine, but they had no idea how to use them either. Now, I’m with a guy that drives a Saturn and, Oh My God, he’s hung like a fucking donkey. A donkey that has an abnormally large penis, even when compared to other donkeys.”