Hollywood Adopts New Affirmative Action rules


HOLLYWOOD, CA – Studio executives from Warner Brothers Studios have announced they will adopt a new affirmative action policy on all projects in the future and those currently in production.

In compliance with the new equal opportunity rules, Gary Coleman, the beloved black, imp-like man, best known for his role as Arnold on TVs “Different Strokes,” has been cast as Charles Foster Kane in the remake of Orson Welles’ classic, “Citizen Kane.” The role was originally to be filled by a white actor, Ben Affleck.

Coleman will Headline a cast that includes other top minority actors such as Ben Stiller, Paul Rodreguez, Roberto Benigni, Harvey Firestien, Whoopi Goldberg, Christopher Reeve, with Spike Lee directing. There will also be an intro from America’s most beloved Jew, Billy Crystal, who will appear in the opening credits to spread the message of racial harmony.

The new “rules” state that for every white, American, male heterosexual actor, there must be three minority actors cast. Addressing action movies, the “rules” also say that those minority roles can not be killed off within the first 2 minutes of the movie. This last rule is expected to effect the sci-fi market most of all.

For the most part, Hollywood seems pleased by Warner Brothers announcement and several other major studios are expected to make similar announcements in upcoming weeks.

One Hollywood insider, who wished to remain nameless, applauds Hollywood for this bold new direction. “Personally I am all for the new cast of Kane, and I’m also in great anticipation of the remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, starring Ice Cube and Rosie Perez. Furthermore, I am pleased with Universal’s efforts to remake Schindler ‘s List, a recent picture, starring Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, with Antonio Banderas as Oskar Schindler,” He said.

Larry Evans, critic for “For Black People ONLY! Magazine,” is one of the few who seem to be against the casting of Gary Coleman as Kane.

“Brotha’s should be in good movies, brotha movies. Movies like Menace II Society, Poetic Justice and Higher Learning. We do not belong in these weak ass cracker movies. We brotha’s, and sista’s need to be brotha’s and sista’s, we can’s be playin’ no whitey roles. Let us think on this, a black man playin’ a rich white guy from the early 1900s, man, black people wasn’t rich then, they was poor, it just doesn’t make no sense. Them people at Warner Brothers is ignorant,” Evans said.

Rev. Jesse Jackson issued this brief statement regarding the new Affirmative Action policy: “Black people have been oppressed by the movie industry for far too long, and I for one, am glad the oppression has now switched.”

In similar situations, stars Will Smith and Denzel Washington have gotten the boot from Hollywood who claims they are, “too white appealing.”

And in one last note, Paramount has hired Russell Simmons to take over as C.E.O. with Suge Knight working directly under him.


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