FLAGSTAFF, AZ – In an effort to assist a co-worker his sex life, secretary Jenny Hill offered relationship advice, despite the fact that she was not consulted. The advice, which included tips on how to “get her into the sack as soon as possible,” was initially ignored by the co-worker, forcing Hill to be more aggressive in her efforts to help.
Although the advice continues from Hill, the co-worker, James T. Allen, maintains that he does not need or even want Hill’s help.
“I don’t know what his problem is,” Hill said. “I mean, does he want to bang this chick or what? If he doesn’t do what I tell him, he’ll screw it all up… and not in the good way. The first thing he needs to do is after the second date, he needs to give her a gift. Like diamond earrings. Yeah, that’ll get her going. Then on the third date, buy her a bottle of KY Jelly and a box of Magnum Condoms… oh and get her drunk. He’ll need to because he isn’t exactly a Brad Pitt if you know what I mean. Fourth date, ask her about including another ‘friend.’ Chicks won’t even consider a three-way before the fourth date. And really, at the fourth date, you can bring up anything like that because at that point the woman is locked into the relationship. It’s a general rule of thumb.”
According to Allen, not only does Hill offer advice that is not requested, but the advice that is given is usually terrible advice.
“I don’t know where the hell this chick grew up but damn… all she ever says is that I need to trick my girl into going to bed with me,” said Allen. “I’m not sure what the hell happened to (Hill) growing up but I am damn sure that I don’t want to know. All I know is that she’s from Kentucky, so that means that she has done it in the back of a Trans Am at least once. Trick her? If I like her and she likes me then I won’t have to trick her. Women, they never know anything about relationships.”
Most of the other workers in the office agree with Allen’s stance that Hill’s advice is not often in the best interest of the advisee.
“Personally, I think (Hill) gets off on it,” said Bill Wilton, who shares an office with Allen. “Her husband is a super douche bag and probably gay. He’s an interior decorator for crying out loud! She has a kid that was, as she calls it, ‘an accident’ and she’s pushing forty. This is all she’s got. Living vicariously through her co-workers. This one time, she told me to stick my finger in this girls ass, and it was our first date! She’s seriously messed up.”
Despite her fellow employee’s attitudes towards her advice, Hill vows to keep giving advice.
“They’ll learn. They’ll all learn,” Hill said. “One day they’ll be sitting there on a fifth date with a girl, and they will walk up behind the girl and put their dick on her shoulder, and they will make hot, sweaty love all night long. And then they’ll say ‘Wow, Jenny was right, she really does know a lot about fucking and relationships.’ And do you know what I’ll do? Yup, tell them that the sixth date is the date made for Arabian goggles and to try Dog in a Bathtub. At least that’s what I would do… if I was a guy.”