WALA WALA, WA – After an intense investigation by both the FBI and INTERPOL, officials from both agencies have announced that they have arrested Oberon Junior High student Adam Kent, 14, in connection with several high profile weather related crimes, including the recent tsunami in Indonesia.
Kent, who is accused of building a working weather controlling machine for his school’s science fair, is the prime suspect on 27 separate incidents over the last two months.
“Man, this kid is just sick, down right evil. Like James Bond bad guy evil,” said FBI lead investigator Reggie Wayne. “At first, we didn’t think anything of the incidents. I mean it’s weather right? Shit just happens when it comes to weather. But then we started hearing the rumblings. So and so heard that a kid had made a weather machine. So and so said that this kid can make weather happen on whim. So and so said that my wife was having an affair with our neighbor of seven years… and his son. And you know what? It turns out that so and so was right – about everything. Fucking whore. My wife I mean. Not the kid. The kid is evil, but not a whore. I think.”
Kent maintains that he had no intention of manipulating world weather and was in fact unaware that his weather machine actually worked. At the time of his arrest, Kent was said to have been dumfounded.
“Seriously? It worked?” Kent said when he was presented with the charges. “Dude, that is so fuckin’ cool. If I would have known that it worked, I would have made it snow here, so I wouldn’t have to go to school. Oh, and then when they canceled school, I would make it, like, 90, so that I could go swimming. And then the next day, I would do it again. I would never go to school again. How cool would that be?”
The weather machine, built using spare electronic parts from a microwave, VCR and Nintendo Gameboy, has two settings: “Good Weather” and “Lame Weather.” When the machine is set to lame weather, any number of possibilities can occur.
“Right now we believe that the machine is responsible for the Indonesia tsunami, the blizzards on the East coast, and the heavy rains in California,” Wayne said. “But the little bastard didn’t stop with this high profile weather crime, no. He insisted on making everyone’s life a living hell. The golf ball sized hail in Colorado? Yup, that was him. The flooding in Arizona? Him too. The storm raging in my heart since my wife left me? I only wish I could blame that on him.”
According to Kent, he doesn’t have the electronic, mechanical or “weather changing” skills to willingly create a weather machine. The fact that his works, is purely accidental.
“Shit man, I failed shop. I just took a bunch of shit laying around my garage and connected it. Then I drew two buttons on the outside of it and called it a weather machine,” said Kent. “This is so kick ass. When I get outa here I’m gonna go home and build a time stopper so I can stop time and go into the chicks locker room. Wendy McGreggor has nice tits and I would do just about anything to seem them puppies naked. Even thinking about it now is getting me all worked up.”
Despite Kent’s claim of ignorance, the FBI and INTERPOL aren’t taking any chances and have asked for Kent’s bail to be posted at 100,000,000,000 U.S. dollars.
“I don’t care what the kid says,” Wayne said. “The fact of the matter is that he built something that caused immeasurable damage and the loss of hundreds of thousands of lives. He can say he didn’t mean it all he wants but I don’t buy it for a second. Just like I don’t buy my wife’s excuses. Just going over to discuss the ‘Devinci Code’ my ass! Tell that to our two children you cheating whore.”