WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the debate about the future of Social Security reaching a boiling point, President Bush announced a new plan late last week that was immediately accepted by both parties.
The plan centers around a single spin on a Las Vegas roulette table.
“Ok, listen to this – and don’t say ‘no’ right away. Hear me out on this one,” said Bush in an address to the Senate. “We take all the money in the account right now and cash it in on a single spin of the roulette wheel. We put all that money on Black. The odds are two to one. We almost can’t loose. And if we win, we’ll double the size of the account getting us past the baby-boomer issue. This is so gonna work!”
According to the White House, Social Security will run out of money by 2018. The cause of the issue is the retirement of the baby-boom generation, which according to the White House, will put a serious strain on Social Security.
“Soon we will have too many old people and not enough poor, I mean workers, to support them,” Bush said. “So, easy fix, let’s take care of this shit right now. Let’s get all that cash into a van and drive it right up to the Belagio. And don’t worry, I know the guy who runs the place and he said we’re cool. We’ll walk in, slap that stack on Black and let her spin. And if we feel especially lucky, maybe we’ll just take a couple million and place it on like Red 14 or something. Shit, if that hits then that will cover almost one quarter of the baby-boomers right there.”
The Senate received the plan with a standing ovation with many supports yelling “let’s go now,” meaning that they don’t see any need to wait for further approval of the plan. Opponents however feel the plan is “the last ditch effort of a nut.”
“Bet Billions of dollars on a single roulette spin? What? Is he crazier than we thought?” said Senator Evan Bayh (D-IN). “What if we lose? What the hell will we do then? We will be completely out of money right now. The last thing I want to do is tell my dad that he can’t have his Social Security check for a while because our President ‘felt lucky.’ He’d have a heart attack.”
Bush counters his plan’s opponents by saying “We have no choice and if we fail, we can go back in a couple years when the surplus builds back up and do it again. You have to spend money to make money in Vegas. Everyone knows that. And the Belagio is a really nice place. You know they have a really pretty fountain show thing every hour. It’s just like in that movie Ocean’s 11. That was a good movie. Stealing money is kick-ass.”
Along with some opposing Senators, many old Americans are also nervous about the plan.
“I don’t want anyone messin’ with my money,” said Grace Widdle, 58. “I’m gonna need that money, and all my friends are gonna need that money. What, do you think we can rely on our kids to support us? Hell no! They’re a buncha deadbeats. My son works at McDonald’s. He’s 32! Dumb bastard. Helen’s son is a construction worker and he can barely support his own family. Screw kids! I want my government money.”
The Senate will vote on the proposal next month after Bush returns from a “test run.”