Local Teen Returns From Vacation With New Canadian Girlfriend


WESTMINSTER, CO – During a conversation with friends, local teen Jared Gabriel announced that he had recently become involved with a teenage girl, from Canada. The relationship, which began while Gabriel was vacationing in Ottawa, is, according to Gabriel, full of passion, love and online chats.

“You know, it was just a case of love at first sight,” Gabriel said. “I was standing there and she was standing there and I looked into her big, beautiful blue eyes and I was hooked. We hung out the whole time I was in Ottawa. Man, she is so hot. And big tits too. Did I mention the boobs? Man, she could totally be a model. I mean, she is going to be… she already has a contract with, um, Maxim.”

According to Gabriel, he met his girlfriend, Stacey Simpson, at a modeling competition in Ottawa. Since his return to the States, the couple has been spending up to five hours a night in a secret chatroom talking about everything from cats to video games.

“Sarah and I have so much in common. I mean she likes everything that I do. The only difference is that she is a girl,” said Gabriel. “Right now I’m saving up money to go see her. But it’s kinda hard to save because I still gotta pay my mom back for buying me the sword at the renaissance fair last month.”

Despite Gabriel’s insistence, his friends maintain doubts about the actuality of the relationship.

“Since he’s been home, he hasn’t stopped talking about this ‘chick’ that he ‘met,’” said Gabriels best friend, Carl Rearden. “But the thing is, his story is full of holes. When he was first describing her, her eyes were green, now all of a sudden they’re blue. And then there’s the fact that that he called her Sally in the first story, and has since called her Stacey, Stephanie, Serena and Carla. It seems a little weird to me, but he just insists that those are all his pet names for her.”

While his story changes daily, the one aspect that has not changed is Gabriel’s love for his new girlfriend.

“Oh man, she is so gonna hate me if she finds out I told you this,” Gabriel said. “When we first met at the petting zoo in Toronto, we went behind the llama cage and totally made out for like an hour. But this isn’t just about lust. I totally love her. And once I save up money for a ring, I’m gonna propose to her. But first I have to pay my mom back for buying me the Star Wars DVD box set.”

At press time, Simpson was unavailable for comment.


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