HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hey kiddies, Beth here and oh my, how the months have been coming quickly as of late. Just like me! I’m serious, if someone even touches me I pop like a Champaign bottle. But enough about my little foibles. It seems like just last month that I was freezing my tits off, trying to find a special someone to warm me up – inside and out. But now the snows have thawed and my young nubile mind has turned to other, more serious thoughts.
This month I present to you a topic that is deadly serious in my everyday life. Spring Break. Now I know other celebrities of my ilk have causes like AIDS and cancer, but those are so passé! Me, I’m more concerned with where all the hotties are going to be this year and where the biggest bash will be. And everyone who knows anybody who’s anybody will be at a fabulous Spring Break party. And you, my lucky little readers are about to find out where the hottest of the hot spots will be this year.
The first stop on my whirl wind tour of Spring Break destinations is none other than Baderville, Kansas. Now I know what you’re thinking. “Those inbred hicks in Kansas don’t know how to party like rock stars!” If you’re saying that, then you obviously haven’t been to Baderville. Located in the heart of Corn Country, Baderville is the place to be seen. You can check out all the hunnies down at the YMCA pool or you can be “seen” at the Dairy Queen on Main Street. I can tell you, all those young studs in Kansas can bale my hay anytime they want! And for you boys, Tara Reid will more than likely stop by for a quickie.
My next stop isn’t going to be Miami. It isn’t going to be Mexico, and it surely isn’t going to be the heck hole that is Lake Havasu, Arizona. No, after I hit the sun drenched plains of Kansas, I’m taking a trip North of the Border. Montreal is a Spring Breakers dream! Imagine a world that is clean with mandatory health care. Think about it. All you girls out there, when you get a little drunk and forget to take your pill, all you gotta do is go into a clinic and say “I need an abortion, eh” or “Give me a six-pack of those kick-ass morning after pills you hoser!” and quicker that you can say RU480, you’re back at Tara Reid’s party. Believe me when I say that this will come in handy, especially around those hunky Frenchies!
Next up, sunny San Diego. I don’t normally like the beach but I heard somewhere that sea water is a good remedy for genital herpes. And, seeing that this latest outbreak has lasted three months, I figure that it’ll stick around till I get to the beach. That and I just got myself the cutest little bikini. It’s hardly a suit at all. In fact, I’ve seen strippers that wear more on stage! But besides the sun and soaking, Sand Diego offers something that the others do not. Baseball players! Tara Reid and I are on the hunt for the few remaining players that I have yet to bag from the 1984 National League Championship team. Steve Garvey, you’ve been avoiding us, but I can feel that this is your year!
Finally I will jetting out to Paris. Now I know it is a little far and an excruciatingly long flight but it is so worth it. Tie on my best American Flag bikini and hit downtown. If there is one thing that the French love, it’s American pride. Don’t be surprised if you don’t pay for a single drink all night. And the French love to drink! Tara Reid and I went last year and I think we got so snookered that we ended up streaking the Arch de Triumph. My oh my was that a wild couple nights.
Well, kiddies, there you have it. Now go and have a sexy, sex filled binge of a Spring Break and remember to take your ugly underwear because it’s not coming back with you.