LOS ANGELES, CA – As Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith exits theaters, parents all across the nation are calling in psychiatrists and other counselors to help their 30-something children transition from a life filled with Jedi and Storm Troopers and into a normal life.
“I’m just worried about my son Ryan,” said Rhonda Noster, mother of a Star Wars Fan Club member. “Now that this Star Wars thing is finally over, I think it’s time for him to move out, get a job and maybe talk to a girl. I just don’t think he knows how to do any of that. All he knows is what Jedi has what color lightsaber. Why can’t Ryan just watch normal, real shows like ‘American Idol’ and go see real movies like ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded’ – like the rest of us.”
The different specialists are utilizing a staged approach to readjust the Star Wars fans. The first stage of the process builds a strong base of self esteem and interpersonal communication.
“What we are hoping to do with these counseling sessions is improve the Star Wars fans self image,” said Psychiatrist William Bernstien. “If we can do that, make them feel comfortable with themselves, maybe they will stop living in this fantasy world and come back to earth. We need to get them away from being like Jabba the Hut and more like a Luke Skywalker. Well, maybe more like a Han Solo. The last thing we need these poor bastards to do is go and start making out with their sisters.”
Phase two of the transition will include dietary changes and a workout regiment.
“These, ‘people,’ must learn that they can not exist solely on Cheetos and Mountain Dew,” said Physical Therapist Dontell Johnson. “I know that Cheetos are cheesy, but it’s not real cheese. They are just about as far from the dairy group as you can get. You need protein. You need vitamins. You need to eat real food that is not a day glow color. And I think this is going to be the biggest hurdle for most of these things. I bet if we cut most of them open, they would bleed Mountain Dew Code Red.”
While the parents and “friends” or Star Wars fans are encouraging the treatments, many of the fans themselves are resisting the changes.
“No, there is no way they can do this to me. I won’t do it,” said 27 year old Star Wars fan Aaron James. “Don’t they know that there is a TV show coming on? And a cartoon? I can’t stop now; the good shit is right around the corner. Right when (George Lucas) gets it right again, my parents tell me that I need to make ‘real friends?’ Man, screw them. Obi Wan and Jar Jar are much better friends that my so called real friends. And my mom says I need to get a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend. Things have been getting pretty serious too. We make plans to meet online on Star Wars Galaxies every night and she dances for me. Her Name is Jedi Gurl69. Man, is she hot.”