MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – Earlier this week, a representative from the Mexican Government stunned the world with his announcement of Mexico’s plan to compete with the U.S. and Russia in space exploration.
The announcement, held outside of the Presidential palace, held about it a aura of joy and wonder.
“We feel that it is time that our attention was turned to the skies,” Juan Sanchez, Special Aid to the President, said. “We have been developing several ideas and have finally agreed on one that will be our best shot of reaching space in the shortest amount of time. We hope to launch this mission, code-named S.P.I.C. by the year 2050.”
Sanchez hopes S.P.I.C., short for Space Programs Information Coalition, will bring Mexico to the standards the United States has been at since the late ‘60s.
“There are just way too many people in Mexico and Mexico City right now,” S.P.I.C. designer Ernesto Valdez said. “What we really need to work on is getting them out of here and deep into space,”
The first objective of S.P.I.C. will be to join American and Russian astronauts on the surface of Mars. Plans for a new low-riding land rover, called the Vehicular Automated Terrain Observer (V.A.T.O.), are currently in production but have suffered several set backs, including the constant theft of the rover’s sound system and other important parts.
“Every time we have been set to unveil the V.A.T.O., we find that the various items from the cruiser have been stolen,” Valdez explained. “Right now we are taking measures to prevent the loss of our titanium rims as well as the chrome hub caps and stereo.”
The V.A.T.O. will be powered via gigantic solar panels measuring up to 70 feet in length and will be decorated with an equally large mural of Jesus making out with a large breasted, naked Latino woman.
Mexico officials, who have no prior experience or knowledge of Mars or space in general, feel they are fully perpared to tackle any obstacles that lay before them. Whether it be the loss of power, black holes or the presence of really big and ugly aliens.
“We have seen all those space type movies and our astronauts will be fully equipped with some really hi-tech weapons. If any hostile aliens try to capture our astronauts, they will be killed with out any thought,” Sanchez said.
So far, the excitement about space has been limited to the government.
“We have not had the caliber of recruits to fill the role of astronauts. We have only received a few dozen possible applicants for the five positions,” Sanchez said. “Due to the fact that S.P.I.C. will not be launched for many years, our candidates are in the 2-4 years old range. There are just not enough ways to test these children for their ability to handle the harshness of space travel. Two year-olds generally do not do well in the Gravitational Force Accelerator Simulator.”
If the children make it past the G-Force simulation, aside from the fear of mental retardation, they head next to the Anti-Gravity test.
The toddlers seem to do poorly in this test as well. Because their motor skills are not as developed, they tend to float helplessly into the walls and then either cry uncontrollably or mess themselves.
Mexican officials refused comment on another test which is rumored to involve the toddlers attached to several hundred bottle rocket firecrackers. Again the toddlers are said to not fair well.
Aside from these set-backs, Sanchez insists that as the launch draws near, they will get the personnel they desire.
Some other space exploration proposals, besides the V.A.T.O. Mars Exploration Probe, that were turned down include the Really, Really Cool Space Thingy, and the Planet Mobile.
“We felt that these projects were not what we were looking for in terms of space travel,” Sanchez said. “Although these missions would have been really cool, we did not think that they were right for our first endeavors.”
“But Don’t worry. I’m sure these projects will see their day once S.P.I.C. is out there,” Sanchez added, pointing off to the sky.
The launch of the V.A.T.O. Mars Exploration Probe is tentatively scheduled for November 4, 2050, and although Valdez will not be around to see the launch, he is very excited.
“I won’t be alive to see it, but I’m sure it will be pretty damn cool,” Valdez said.