DETROIT, MI – In an effort to corner the market on a key demographic, Chrysler has announced the release of a new line of cars for middle-aged men, currently being called the Mid-Life Chrysler.
“It’s a simple fact that men going through a mid life crisis buy new, sporty cars,” said Lead Production designer Ralph Herman. “Normally these men go after a small, fast car that will allow them to pick up lots of loose women. Until now, the range of vehicles purchased has been all over the map. By that I mean that they’d buy a Ford Mustang here or a Porsche there. Some even by those gay little Miatas… until they realize they’re gay. With this new line, we hope that we will become the car of choice for men who are concerned about the size of their penis and their receding hairline.”
The car, which will be convertibles, will come with many amenities that have until now, been additional cost extras. In addition, the new Mid-Life Chrysler will be the longest car in the Chrysler fleet measuring 15 feet in length
“Each of our Mid-Life Chryslers will come standard with a great sound system, an eight-liter turbo-charged engine, toupee rack and a martini dispenser,” Herman said. “The martini dispenser, in my opinion, is the best thing about this vehicle. All one has to do is pour gin into one tank and vermouth into another, push a button and you have a perfect martini in seconds. Of course there is also a special button for the ladies that will make the drink much stronger to, you know, get her looser that much quicker.”
Other optional accessories include a fold down bed in the back seat with silk sheets, an espresso machine and a Roofie dispenser. Chrysler also announced that the vehicles will only be available in red.
“Red is definitely the color we want because market research shows that nothing gets a woman in the mood better than the color red,” Bryan Snotalk, Chrysler Marketing Manager, said. “At some point we may introduce black, because that is another strong color. But no other color will ever be made. It is a widely know fact that every other color are only for men who like other men. If you know what I mean.”
So far the reaction from the public about the new auto line has been very positive, with pre-orders of the vehicle already nearing 50,000 units.
“Oh man, I am so super jazzed about this car, bro,” said 46 year old Randy Harkins, the first person to order the Mid-Life Chrysler. “Man, I am gonna get so much fuckin’ action in this thing, it’s gonna be sick. I can already see it – me, cruising down the street with some Skynard blasting over the speakers. I’ll have to beat the woman off with a stick. Or maybe I could use my dick. That would be so hot. Man, I can’t wait till I get my hands on that car. Then my ex-wife will know who wears the pants around here. Fact, that’s what I’ll do. I pick up a chick, drive her over to my ex’s house and fuck the girl right in the driveway. Ya, that’ll show Loraine. I have a small dick? Who has the small dick now Loraine?”
The Mid-Life Chrysler will be available in the Spring of 2006 and will retail for around $150,000.
“We know it costs a lot of money to buy this car, but lets face it. If a guy wants to score some underage tang… he’s gonna have to pay for it one way or another,” said Snotalk.