FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – After years of research, food developers for the Arby’s chain of restaurants have announced they have made a major breakthrough in genetic research that will save the company millions of dollars and at the same time provide a higher quality of sandwich.
For years the key to the chain’s success has been their secret recipe bar-b-que sauce and now developers have bred a cow that actually has the sauce instead of blood.
“This is just the most exciting thing that I have ever been a part of,” said Arby’s Head of Product Development, Judy Barrish. “Not only have we genetically altered an animal with no detriment to its health, but we have created an animal that lives solely on the power of delicious Arby’s sauce. There is not a single drop of blood in this cow. The only thing that is pumping through this beast’s veins and heart is delicious Arby’s brand bar-be-que sauce. We are totally toying with the laws of nature here and it is the coolest thing in the world. That’s gotta tell you something. Granted, we made a couple… mistakes along the way but seeing this new breed of cow get up and walk was better then seeing my children for the first time.”
The cow, appropriately named Arby, was created in a laboratory where scientists successfully identify the gene that tells the cow’s body to create blood and modify it.
“Finding the blood making gene was really tough,” said scientist Steve Passington. “That took a lot of man hours and two divorces. But after that, everything was easy. Once we isolated the gene, we carefully removed the actually components that tell the body to make the blood, and we replaced that with our secret sauce recipe. I can tell you, it took some work; we lost many subjects before we were finally successful. But I can tell you that we had some great cook outs during that time.”
In creating this new breed of cow, the company estimates that profits will grow because production costs for the sauce will be virtually non-existent.
“Once we get these cows rolling, we won’t have to spend the money to actually produce the Arby’s sauce anymore,” said Barrish. “All we’ll have to do is slice the poor beasts throat and out pours the tangy goodness. In reality we could have cows that only produce sauce for us, like instead of milk. But that really isn’t an option in my mind. With the new ‘blood’ coursing through every part of the cow, all the meat is pre marinated. Holy cow is that good eating, no pun intended. It’s like the meat is being soaked in Arby’s sauce 24 hours a day 365 days a year. You just can’t get better flavor penetration.”
With this major hurdle out of the way the team is anxious to get to work on other projects that are on the drawing board, the first of which is a self cooking cow.
“First on the slate is a personal dream, and that is a cow that can cook itself,” said Passington. “Well, not cook itself literally. I doubt very much that if given a choice, a cow would actually choose to cook itself. although they are terribly stupid animals. Almost retarded but that’s beside the point. We are currently trying to figure a way to adjust a cow’s metabolism so that at a certain age, the cow’s internal temperature will rise to over 300 degrees Fahrenheit. That way the cow can still walk around and do whatever it is a cow does, all while being slow cooked to perfection. After that, and we think we are getting close on this, we will have a cow that can shit out Arby’s tasty Curly Fries.”
While research like this will certainly be a boom to the restaurant business, animal rights activists are already crying foul.
“That is sick. That is quite possibly the most disgusting thing that I have ever heard,” said John Beck, spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or PETA. “This is totally unconscionable. It’s bad enough that they slaughter these magnificent beasts for their meat, but to replace their blood with bar-be-que sauce just isn’t right. If I believed in God, then I would say that this is a slap in the face of God himself. Think about it. Them doing this would be like me going up and pissing in a bottle of Gatorade, which I have done on several occasions. That’ll teach those Pepsi bastards to test their product on innocent rabbits. I got a news flash for you Pepsi. If rabbits were supposed to drink caffeine they would be able to get a job and buy it themselves. So yeah… what was the question?”
Arby’s executives hope to have the new cows available for slaughter and food by next Spring.