NEW YORK, NY – The current economic crisis has hit one group of Americans particularly hard as the richest one percent of the country can now barely afford a third or fourth house.
With the consumer confidence index low, gas prices rising and two natural disaster reeking havoc on energy costs, rich Americans are coming up short when it comes time to make necessary purchases like third houses, new yachts or even bail money for their children.
“This isn’t the America of a couple years ago,” said multimillionaire Steven J. Wolf III. “We voted Bush into the White House to ensure our survival, but due to things beyond anyone’s control, we find ourselves in some rather… un-rich predicaments. I went to the store today and barely had enough money for a solid gold bath-tub and Ivory toothbrush. I had to put away the panda-skin rug. That would have looked really good in the kitchen. What a shame.”
Along with the recent economic downturn, recent events have also changed the manner in which money is made by most rich Americans.
According to an article in Forbes Magazine, during the years 2000 through 2004, at least 50 percent of the richest American’s income was earned through insider trading, embezzlement and slavery.
“It’s really damn hard to steal right now. In the Eighties, Nineties and even the beginning of the Auts, we got most of our millions for the companies we ran,” said former Slurido CEO Bernard Canvers. “Now all of a sudden stealing from your company isn’t the right thing to do. It really is a shame how things have turned out. I remember a time when you could raid a company’s account to pay for the removal of a dead hooker… I mean mistake. Not anymore though. Now everyone is watching and suing you if you even take a million.”
In order to make ends meet and pay existing bills, some rich Americans have begun to sell off some assets in order to pay for some of life’s basic requirements, like food and shelter.
“Right now, when I go to the Virgin Islands for the weekend, I have to stay in a hotel,” said Armen Clough. “I could ask one of my friends if I could stay at their place but then they would know I don’t have as much money as they do… and they can NEVER know that. Also when I go to the Virgin Islands I can only give the cabana boys 10 dollars for a hand job. That’s just not right. Those boys are experienced in the art of pleasing a man and they deserve to be properly compensated for that talent. Weekends just won’t be the same.”
While the government is doing everything they can to help this group of people, many common citizens don’t seem to care about the plight of rich American.
“What? The rich people can’t buy another house? That’s a fucking tragedy!” said Mark Fetters. “I can barely pay my rent every month and I don’t bitch about it. These pricks can’t but a damn 50,000 square beach house and they act like it’s the end of the fucking world. Shut up you babies!”