CLEVELAND, OH – Only a few seconds after he called in sick to work, co-workers of Carl Mayer set a new world record for speculation on Tuesday. Mayer, who claimed to have a sore throat and fever called in to his office at 7:37:24, and by 7:37:27 rumors were already running rampant about the true cause of his absence.
“I bet his girlfriend broke up with him,” said one co-worker who wished to remain nameless. “I mean just yesterday he said to me ‘Dan, I think (Amber) is going to break up with me.’ And I’m sitting there thinking ‘Hell yeah, now is Dan Yount’s turn to get a piece of Amber,’ if you know what I’m saying?”
In total, seven different theories were developed in the three seconds between Mayer’s phone call and the new record time.
Aside from the prevailing girlfriend theory, several other co-workers believe that Mayer was in fact home playing video games.
“Shit, he’s been talking about this damn video game, ‘Legends of Rivendale 2,’ for almost a year now,” Said co-worker Aaron James. “Then, on the day that it’s supposed to come out, he mysteriously calls in sick. Coincidence? I think not. But the funny thing is the game didn’t even come out – it was delayed a week. So I think that he committed himself to the lie, then couldn’t back out. We had a similar thing a couple years ago when ‘Halo’ came out. Only the guy that called in sick didn’t show up for nineteen days. And when he did he was 70 pounds lighter and had a huge scar on his stomach. Appendix my ass. That dude played ‘Halo’ the entire time and cut himself to commit the lie.”
The new record set by Mayer’s co-workers broke the existing speculation record by 12 seconds. Other theories included an overdose on pain medication, a knife fight, an abortion, purchase of a monkey and masturbation accident.
“My money is on the masturbation thing,” said co-worker Britney Madden. “I mean look at him. Even if he does have a girlfriend, which I don’t believe he does, I bet she won’t let him touch her let alone give it to her. He’s gotta get off somehow, so I bet the he was dripping hot wax on himself while he was working it. Then he probably set his pubic hair on fire. Check him out when he comes back. I be there isn’t a hair to be found down there.”
Mayer maintains that he was sick and calls upon his co-workers to take into account his previous attendance before making assumptions.
“I’ve called in sick only once in the three years I’ve worked there. People should trust that if I call in, I’m actually sick,” Mayer said. “I was sick. I must have eaten some bad chicken or something. I was throwing up for eight straight hours. And it’s because I was hunched over most of the night with no pants on and had some candles lit… that’s why my penis hurts and I have no pubic hair. It has nothing to do with masturbation. I wouldn’t know how to masturbate with a candle anyways.”
The old record was set in 1993 by co-workers of Charlie Jackson. After Jackson called in sick, his co-workers had formulated eight different theories about the true nature of his condition in just over 14 seconds.