TUCSON, AZ – A report released last week by a research team at University of Arizona concluded that Country Music is terrible and should be avoided at all costs.
The report has angered many country music listeners but the research team behind the report stands by the conclusions.
“Look, I myself have a Garth Brooks CD at home so I’m not exactly thrilled about the way this has all played out,” said project statistician William Ross. “But as a scientist, I have to report the findings as they exist. The simple fact of the matter is that country music is the musical equivalent of dog shit rubbed into brand new carpet.”
The study was coordinated by the University of Arizona department of Sociology in conjunction with the University College of Fine Arts. The study itself compared the surveys of 10,000 Americans from all different backgrounds. Participants were asked a series of questions and asked to choose a preference between to given scenarios. Each question asked included listening to country music as one of the scenarios.
An example of a question on the survey is: “What would you rather do, stab your mother in the heart with a spork or listen to country music.” According to the results listed in the report, 80% of the time, participants would rather do anything than listen to country music.
“This comes as an absolute shock to the recording industry,” said Sony Music Chairman Reuban Accetta. “I mean we here at Sony have spent millions building up and promoting these so called country stars, and now we find out that everyone hates country music. The worse part is I’ve been saying this for years. In fact just last week I said to my secretary ‘Fuck country music.’ Well, now we have indisputable proof that country music is shit, and we no longer have to spend a single dime promoting it. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again. Fuck country music.”
While most of the country seems to be in agreement with the findings, hundreds of people and the entire state of Texas are angry with the results and refuse to believe the findings.
“That is fuckin’ bullshit man,” said country music fan Bob “Scooter” Ward. “All y’all out there that don’t think country music is kick ass can just fuck right off. Country is the music of God. That’s right, I said it. God gave us Americans country music so we can show them god-forsaken terrorists that they cant mess with us. You think that if some of them fag rock bands came out with a anti-terrorist song, the terrorists would actually stop killin’ us? Hell no! But have we had a single terrorist attack here since Kenny Chesney sang that 911 song? No.”
At press time, Kenny Chesney was unavailable for comment.