MESA, AZ – Jason Odenbaum’s phenomenal performance at the 1999 Special Olympics, was tarnished this week as controversy surrounded his abilities and performance. The families of several other competitors in the competition have come forward to form an inquiry into Odenbaum’s gold medals.
“The son of a bitch isn’t even retarded,” Mark Stevenson, a loyal Special Olympic observer said. “I mean seriously, I ain’t never seen one of them retards that can do those things. He was standing there at the javelin calculating the damn wind speed, or some shit like that.’
Stevenson’s accusations stem from Odenbaum’s near flawless performance in the 1999 Special Olympics, held at Westwood High School in Mesa, Ariz. After winning 23 of 25 gold medals, Stevenson and others began to cast serious doubt on the extent and existence of Odenbaum’s retardation.
“Sure, he looks like a Mongoloid, what with that big freaking forehead of his, but he don’t talk like no Mongoloid and he sure as hell doesn’t run like no Mongoloid,” Stevenson said.
According to witnesses, the suspicions of fraud began with the very first event. Odenbaum won the 100-meter yard dash in a Retarded World Record setting performance, beating the silver medalist by almost 2 minutes. In fact, most of the other “participants” ran to their parents, ran in the wrong direction, or didn’t run at all. His domination of the events continued through the rest of the day as Odenbaum won gold medals in every single track and field event.
“If these rumors and speculation turn out to be true it will indeed be a very dark day for The Special Olympics. Honestly, we can not have ‘normal’ people coming in here and beating the snot out of these tards. It just would be ‘Special’ anymore. It would be like the ‘Better Than A Bunch of Retards Olympics.’” Martin Grosse, Dir. of The Special Olympics, said.
In total, Odenbaum captured 23 of the total 25 gold medals losing only in Powerlifting and Bocce. Odenbaum’s greatest feat came in the high dive competition, where he successfully pulled off a Double-Half-Gainer-Triple-Spinning-Back flip-With a Twist. The only other retarded person to successfully pull off this maneuver, Paul Lindsey, died upon hitting the water.
“There is no way. No fucking way that a freaking Mongoloid could pull of that dive. They don’t have the coordination to write their own God damn names,” Stevenson said. “Here look at Billy here, the kid is droolin on himself and never lets go of his willie for cryin out loud. Before that Odenbaum son-of-a-bitch came along, Billy was long jump champ three years runnin.’”
In his own defense, Odenbaum credits years of intense training for his winning behavior.
“See, I was training for like, ahhh, I mean. Ahhh, gruk am ehhh, dahhh,” Odembaum said.