NORTH POLE – After several years and hundreds of man hours, the Federal Bureau of Investigation said Tuesday that they have made a single arrest in one of the biggest counterfeit goods operations in the world. The man arrested, Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, was arrested without incident at his home in the North Pole.
“This is big, possibly the biggest thing I have seen in my 17 years with the Bureau,” said FBI Deputy of Operations Bruce Joseph. “We have been conducting this investigation for almost eight years, and only recently, with the help of a man on the inside, were we finally able to gather enough evidence to arrest that fat bastard. Oh and if I have my way, he’ll rot in that jail cell. Americans won’t stand for shotty second-hand merchandise peddled by an overweight, candy popping pervert.”
The investigation began in late 1996 when thousands of complaints came into the National Consumer Board hotline about fraudulent Christmas and Chanukah presents. When the scope of the situation was realized, the FBI and other federal agencies took up the investigation in an effort to protect the intellectual property of American Companies.
“Yeah, that Christmas was a bad one. Here around the office we’ve been referring to it as ‘The Year Santa Fucked Us All,’” Joseph said. “The main complaint that year was an influx of Tickle Me Felmo dolls that were trying to be passed off as Tickle Me Elmo. Now the Felmo dolls were almost identical to the Elmo dolls except for one thing. On Elmo, you tickle his belly, while on Felmo, only his crotch was ticklish. That and Elmo gave off a genuine, giddy laughter. Felmo’s laugh was just creepy.”
The case against Kringle came to a head earlier this year when the FBI finally convinced one of Kringle’s workers to be their mole. The worker, identified only as Perry the Elf was able to get photographic evidence and taped confessions of everything that went on in Santa’s workshop.
“Oh man, it was hell. Hell I tell ya!” Perry said. “For the longest time, we elves either made the toys, or we would just buy them from the companies. But then the fat man figured out that if we made cheep knock offs, he could save a ton of money. So from the second he made that decision, that’s what we did. Tickle Me Felmo, Furgy, xXx Box. Man, making all those toys just made me feel dirty. It might not have been that bad if we had gotten a little kick back from all the money he was making. But no, we didn’t see a damn dime. He blew all his money on frivolous shit. You think Mrs. Claus’s tits are real? Think again my friend.”
With Kringle’s arrest hanging over the Christmas holiday, many children across the country are concerned about the upcoming holidays.
“I want my Harry Potter Wizard’s workshop and Santa promised it to me,” said Cindy Deveroux. “Since he can sneak into houses, then he should be able to sneak out of jail and bring me my presents. If he doesn’t I’ll stop believing in him… and god.”
Kringle is set to appear before an unspecified US District Court in late January.