TACOMA, WA – A sweltering heat wave across the Pacific Northwest has left 109 snowmen dead and another 24 in serious condition. In the last week alone, 17 snowmen have been reduced to puddles in the state of Washington.
“This is the worst snowman disaster the city of Kelso has ever seen,” said Kelso Mayor Bernard Mingus. “We are currently working to secure cooler areas for the remaining snowman but we have limited capacity of people who care.”
With temperatures reaching into the 80s, the heat is no match for the snow comprising most of Washington’s snowmen. According to snowmen experts, what makes this tragedy even more horrible is the fact that many of the snowmen that have passed were only weeks old.
“I tell you what, there is nothing more sobering than looking down at a puddle of shit colored water and knowing that it was once a young, newly born snowman,” said Snowmanocoligst Rachel McStevenson. “I want to throw up. I want to throw up all over this stupid heat that is killing so many helpless snowmen. You see that pile of mush over there? That was Ray Ray. A snowman and even more so, a friend. How am I supposed to tell his girlfriend Scarlet that he’s dead? how am I supposed to tell his son Little Billy that daddy wont ever be home again? I hate that part of the job.”
While local governments work on solutions, many citizens are taking the situation into their own hands and opening their doors to wayward snowman looking for relief from the heat.
“Right now I have seven snowmen crammed into my meat cooler,” said butcher Nedly Wayne. “I had to do something. The stupid bastards were just sitting out there in the heat melting away. So I had my kids go round up all they could find and we put them in the freezer until the temperatures return to normal. Even though I know they’re in there, they still scare the shit out of me every time I go in there. I accidentally put my clever through one of them but luckily for me they are made of snow so I just put the piece I cut off back on top.”
While many people have jumped on the conservation wagon, other citizens have expressed their desire to see all the snowmen in the area dead.
“It’s snow. It melts when it is exposed to heat,” said meteorologist Bradly Van Port. “What the hell did people think was gonna happen? That the snowmen were going to be here forever? If you thought that, you are an idiot. In fact, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Fuck the snowmen. I care more about my being warm than the fate of a so called man that’s made out of snow. In fact, just to prove my point, when I get home, I’m gonna pee all over the snowman that has been hanging out in my neighbors yard. That’ll teach the smug bastard.”
The population of snowmen extended into the 400s after this past Halloween.