LUBBUCK, TX – The sexuality of local man Donnie Ray Stevenson was tested earlier this week when he accidentally saw a new film about two homosexual cowboys, Brokeback Mountain.
According to Stevenson’s friends, Stevenson thought he was going to see a movie about two cowboys fighting for a bull riding championship. Stevenson, an avid bull riding fan, was reportedly “real excited” to see the movie.
“(Stevenson) is a retard. He thought he was going to see a movie with some ass-kicking action but what he got was a movie with ass-pounding action,” said Stevenson’s best friend Gerry Dunkirk. “He must be livin’ under a bus or something to not know what this movie was about. Hell, I live in a bus and I knew what it was about. Of course none of us told him what it was about before he went. So if he turns gay then it might partly be my fault.”
Although Stevenson was confused and disgusted by the movie, he stayed for the entire duration of the film.
“I sat there thinking there ain’t no way those two boys are gays,” said Stevenson. “There ain’t ever been a gay cowboy so I thought I was seein’ something that weren’t really there. Like a mirage or something. Then I thought that if I thought they were gays, what does that say about me? I ain’t no gay… I think. Hell, after that movie I just don’t know.”
The producers of Brokeback Mountain, which has garnered a lot of critical praise, have never made any veiled statements about the movies content.
“Look, we say right off the bat that this is a gay cowboy movie, we’re not trying to fool anyone,” said executive producer Michael Costigan. “It’s my theory that if anyone sees this movie ‘accidentally’ it’s due to repressed homosexual tendencies and a latent attraction to Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger or hell, even Randy Quaid. The point is, one doesn’t see this movie by accident. You see this movie because you really want to put your penis in another mans rear end. That’s all there is to it.”
It is not yet clear as to whether Stevenson will turn gay or remain straight, however Stevenson is hoping for the later.
“I don’t want to be a gay,” said Stevenson. “I don’t think dudes are good lookin’ or when I see a dude I don’t think that I want to screw him. Well… most of the time. Damn it! See, that’s what I mean. I don’t know what’s goin’ on in my head anymore. That movie done screwed me up good.”
As for Stevenson’s next course of action, it will include a trip to five different strip clubs and watching every Jean-Claude VanDamme movie.
“I guess I’ll just have to dude-up a little bit and get back in the straight saddle. I’m going to see some tits… women’s tits, and then I’m gonna go see every high-school football movie and Jean-Claude VanDamme movie ever made. That ought to straighten me out a bit.”