ENGLEWOOD, CO – In a surprising and risky move, the telecommunication company MCI has decided to replace its entire sales workforce with children ranging from ages six to eight-years-old.
The transition will begin this Spring. All 40,000 sales employees have been given notice and the company is currently opening up the new sales jobs and sending recruiters to elementary schools nationwide.
MCI says it hopes to capitalize on the innocence and charm of the new sales force by sending them door-to-door selling voice and data phone service.
“We (MCI) are entering an exciting new area. No one has ever done anything like this,” said MCI Chief Operating Officer Michael D. Capellas. “Again, MCI finds itself as a thought leader, a ground breaking company that is always in a process of discovery. This current discovery happens to involve using children for our gain, but that really isn’t anything new to most of our governing board. I mean come on – who of you out there can honestly say that you’ve never used a kid like this? Hell I know I do. Just last week I sent my daughter into a store to buy booze and the crazy pedophile behind the counter gave it to her for free. It was a win-win situation. The best part is that we don’t even have to pay them. We just give them prizes. And the more they sell, the bigger the prize. The prizes themselves will range from key-chains to a trip to Disneyland.”
According to MCI, the decision to hire an entire workforce came after a Girl Scout visited the corporate office selling cookies.
“A bunch of us had just finished a meeting about bonuses for the executive board and this little girl comes up to us and asked if we’d like to buy some of her cookies,” said Tanya Lee Braddock, Vice President of Marketing. “None of us could say no to the little thing because she just looked so damn cute. All of us ended up buying at least three boxes. After she left we all looked at each and decided right then and there to hire cute or handicapped kids to sell our services. How can anyone say ‘no’ to a cute kid or an ugly one in a wheelchair?”
According to the new policy, only children between the ages of six and eight will be used. Once a child reaches his or her ninth birthday, the child will be “retired.”
“Really, when you think about it, it’s kinda like that band Menudo,” Braddock said. “Once kids get to the age of nine, they just aren’t cute anymore. It’s a scientific fact. But see, we aren’t just going to be using cute and handicapped kids either. In some places we will be rolling out the Fugly Force – a team of really messed up looking kids that we hope will guilt people into buying our service. You know those kids. The ones that have crossed eyes, buck teeth and goofy hair. Yeah, those are the Fugly Force.”
While MCI is continuing on with their plans, news of the transition has angered some Child Labor activists.
“That is so wrong on so many levels,” said Cheryl Carson, chairman of the National Child Well Being Committee. “This is nothing short of child slavery. These kids will be forced to go door to door selling shitty service and an inferior product. Now if these kids were going to be doing something that actually benefited the human race, like selling delicious treats or Qwest Long Distance Service, we would be totally fine with that. But screw MCI. I swear I will fight this to my dying breath as long as it is MCI that is doing this.”
While critics of the move have been very vocal, MCI is confident that once the plan is implemented, people will see how good of an idea this is.
“People like kids,” said Capellas. “And come on, you never feel guilty about buying something from a kid. Seeing that child’s face light up as you hand them a check, why, it’s almost as precious as the look on the face of a hooker when you blast you sticky seed all over her face and tits. Hmmm… hookers. That gives me another idea. Excuse me, I’ve got to make some calls.”
So far MCI is the only American company to utilize kids as professional salesmen.