Polygamists Not Really Looking Forward to Valentines Day

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COLORADO CITY, AZ – According to local reports, polygamists in the small town of Colorado City are not looking forward to the Valentines Day holiday. With several males in the town taking more than one wife, the holiday has been expensive and time consuming for these same men in years past.

The average number of wives for each adult male is nine. Some town leaders have as many as 18 wives.

“That’s a whole lot of cards and candy that I’m responsible for. If you ask me, the women don’t deserve anything. Just being married to me should be enough,” said Colorado City Councilman Jessup Jeffers. “Fortunately for me I have a near endless supply of children to put together small trinkets and candies for my wives. In fact, some of them children will be making their own Valentines gifts… they just don’t know it yet.”

While Valentines Day is not an officially recognized holiday by the State of Arizona or the United States Government, residents of Colorado City still feel obligated to celebrate it.

“Look, maybe the women folk around here deserve a little recognition,” said Jacob Jeffers. “Besides, it gives us an excuse to have relations with all 20-some wives at once. Now that alone is worth twenty boxes of candy. Normally we try to break it up with a different wife every night but it’s a special occasion you know. I tell you what, nothing is as heavenly as the loving embrace of twenty young women who may or may not be related to you.”

The town, located just south of the Utah border is made up entirely of members of the Fundamentalist Church of Later Day Saints, an offshoot of the Church of Jesus Christ and Later Day Saints, or Mormons as they are more commonly called.

“Our doctrine, the one set up by our prophet Joseph Smith, allows for a man to take more than one bride and so we have,” said Colorado City resident Warren Young. “When we started this, I don’t think we accounted for Valentines Day and Mother’s Day. Some kids in this town prepare almost a whole year to get ready for Mother’s Day. Heck, some aren’t real sure who their mom is so they gotta cover a whole lotta bases.”

While most of the residents of the community are not thrilled about the upcoming holiday, John Runyon is actually looking forward to it. Runyon owns and operates the only store in town that sells cards and candies, staples of the Valentine holiday.

“Oh man, oh man, I sure am gonna do some great business,” Runyon said. “I got the only cards in town and I’m gonna sell the heck outta them. I even got cards that were specially made up for us Colorado Citizens. We make them here. I have a manufacturing team of 16 children, some mine, some soon to be mine. They make cards for me to sell just for us here in Colorado City. See this one, it says ‘To My 7th Wife.’ Isn’t that just precious? I know 18 people that will be buying that one. Then there’s this one that knocks out two holidays in one, ‘Happy Valentines Day to my 5th wife, and Happy 13th Birthday to a very special Niece.’ These cards, they just work on so many levels. ‘Course, we don’t have much in terms of money round here, but some of these guys do have some pretty young girls out there.”

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