HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hello all my fervent fans, it is I, Beth Sinclair here to dish all that is fit to be dished. Wow, it seems like it has been almost forever since I got to talk to all my little children. If my memory serves me correctly, and I’m pretty sure it does, I was just a fresh faced young virgin the last time I wrote a column. Yeah right! You all should know me better than that. But seriously, I have been busy as a prostitute at a Star Trek Convention giving freebies to all the virgins who are over 30.
Oh the last few months have been a whirlwind of activity. I met the man of my dreams, went to Alaska, had sex in a Volkswagen with the man of my dreams, ate a cantaloupe for the first time and finally got around to seeing “Ishtar” with the man of my dreams. But the biggest thing to happen since my last column – I got married! Can you believe it? Neither can I. Too bad it wasn’t to the man of my dreams. The man of my dreams died in a horrible accident involving a spatula and a tube sock, but it’s really too painful to talk about. Oh and there is still litigation pending, so I can’t really talk about it anyway.
But instead of the past, I want to talk about the future and there is no brighter spot in the future than the upcoming Oscars. Oh and what a year it was for movies. Some say that there was a slump in Hollywood, but I totally disagree. What other single year gave us gems of the caliber of “Herbie: Fully Loaded” and piece of cinematic beauty “The Pacifier.” I can tell you, Vin Diesel can pacify me anytime he wants. And I mean with his penis! My new hubby looks a bit like Vin, but not as buff. Or as cute. Or as Mexican. But I love my little pookie-bear anyways. And I love my hubby too.
Well enough of my rantings and ravings, let’s get to the part you all want to hear: my famous, almost 100% accurate Oscar predictions. Here they are, in no particular order.
Best Movie: This year all the buzz is hanging around a film about two cowboys that find a forbidden love in the country. Yup, that’s right, I’m talking about “Munich.” This movie has all the things you want in a gentle love story. Action. Adventure. Murder. Terrorists killing off Israeli athletes. What more could a single, er, newly married girl want in a love story? Well, maybe more shots of Geoffrey Rush in the buff. That man is hotter than my heat rash on a balmy Summer’s day! If this movie doesn’t win best picture, I bet someone’s gonna be pissed. Israel, I’m looking at you!
Aside from Munich, we have the other gay cowboy movie, “Brokeback Mountain.” Wow, I did not like this movie. I mean I’m all about getting my ass pounded, but I really did not need to see Toby McGuire and Heath Leadger making out for 45 minutes. Little Toby was so innocent in “Donny Darko,” I just cant, no I wont, see that little cutie-pie be typecast as a gay person. Look what happened to Danny Devito. One gay role and he is ruined for life.
Best Director: The guy who did “Cry Wolf.” That movie was scary as all get out.
Best Actor: Eugene Levy in “The Man.” Mr. Levy is our generations Colin Ferrell.
Best Actress: Martin Lawrence in “Big Momma’s House 2.” There is no need to justify this pick, the performance speaks for itself.
Best Special Effects: “Brokeback Mountain.” Anyone who can make Randy Quaid look good deserves 100 Oscars.
Best Original Screenplay: That one movie with Martin Lawrence where he plays the basketball coach of the crappy, little kids that come through in the end and turn into winners. Hmmm, what was the name of that movie. It was kinda like the “Mighty Ducks” or “Little Giants” or “Bad News Bears” but it was with basketball so different from those. Can’t think of it off the top of my head but I’m sure you remember the film.
Well that’s all for me my little dumplings. I hope you have a fabulously sex crazed Oscar party. I know I will… I just hope my husband doesn’t come too early.