Millions of Rabbits Gather to Celebrate Death of Their Savior

A golden statue of Peter Cottontail welcomes worshipers to the Cottonailian temple in Leeds.
A golden statue of Peter Cottontail welcomes worshipers to the Cottonailian temple in Leeds.

LONDON – Rabbits all over the world will celebrate the life and death of their lord and savior, Peter Cottontail, this month with a massive gathering in a farm just outside of London.

This gathering marks the first time rabbits from every corner of the world will gather in a single location to celebrate the day of Cottontail’s death. According to preliminary numbers, over 10 million rabbits are expected.

“For the past 182 years, this has been a very private, a very personable ceremony,” said Cottonanity historian Gabriel Peters. “This religion was practiced behind closed doors, away from the prying eyes of the world. But with the recent scandals involving many of the mainstream religions, the Cottonanitins finally decided it was time to stand up and say ‘hey, we don’t molest children, we don’t kill non-believers and we don’t care if you draw cartoons of our prophet.’ It’s pretty spectacular if you ask me. Doing something like that takes balls. Small, fur covered balls that are normally hidden from view.”

Peter Cottontail, a British born rabbit and founder of the rabbit religion Cottonanity, was persecuted and martyred for his religious beliefs in the year 1824. Cottontail’s death was a gruesome one as he was nailed to a block of wood and set on fire but a group of Christian boys.

Over the past few years, millions of people have turned to Cottonanity as an alternative to the more popular religions. While many converts say that the religions they left only preached intolerance and hate, Cottonanity has a place for all beings.

“Out of all the religions, this one just makes sense,” said recent Catholic convert David Byrnes. “I mean Peter Cottontail doesn’t care if your white or black or gay or straight. No, Peter Cottontail is all about acceptance. So if you wanted to cornhole some black guy you just met in a run down rest stop, Peter is totally cool with that.”

England itself has opened its arms for the rabbits and many citizens of London are looking forward to the gathering.

“I just love rabbits. You see, they are both cute and delicious,” said London citizen William Brotthington. “Of course we, we won’t be able to eat these little critters. Unless of course the come about a terrible accident – say an auto. Well, we can’t just leave the little fellow on the path can we?”

With rabbits expected from all over the world, this will be the first time several different species will see each other.

“Carrots? Lettuce?” said New York rabbit Patches. “Lettuce lettuce carrots sex radishes carrots radishes pellets sex pellets pellets. Lettuce sex sex sex sex pellets water pellets water water carrots.”

Security will be a high priority for the events scheduled in the London area although no problems are being anticipated.


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