WASHINGTON, DC – After hundreds of thousands have protested recent proposals for overhauling the immigration system, President Bush will be touring the nation in support of a new proposal for both protecting United States borders and ensuring the availability of cheap labor.
Bush’s new plan will feature a mandatory collar for all immigrants that will act as identification and as a form of protection.
“These collars, well, they’re more than collars. They are Freedom Badges that will help us keep track of our friends from dirty countries,” Bush said in a speech to the Texas Border Patrol. “You see, these little collars, I mean Freedom Badges will have a little shocker on them. If someone wearing a Freedom Badge stops working or tries to escape the designated work area, they’ll get a little shock. That shock will remind them that they need to get back to work. America needs them to be working.”
According to Bush’s plan, the 12 million illegal immigrants currently inside the U.S. will need to be fitted with the Freedom Badges first.
“We need to get a handle on those immigrants already here. Once we’ve gotten that out of the way we can begin work on phase two,” said Presidential Immigration Advisor Ron Whitehead. “Phase two will require a very large amount of money but that doesn’t matter. You see, we’ll need to set up ‘transfer stations’ all along the north and south border. Anyone who is not an American citizen crossing that border will receive a Freedom Badge. They will also be photographed, finger printed, tattooed with a serial number, searched, sprayed with a hose and released. In that order.”
The Freedom Badges are being developed by Innotek, a leading manufacturer for similar collars used by dog owners to help train their pet.
“This technology has been around for years, but only recently has the idea of using it on a human has come up,” said Innotek President Andrew Yates. “Sure we all have tried these dog collars on ourselves, be it for the shear curiosity or for sexual pleasure. Well, now we have finally turned this technology into what it was meant for. Giving brain damage to people trying to earn a living.”
While active, the Freedom Badges will give off a ranged shock to the wearer’s throat. The farther the person stray from their designated are, the more intense the shock.
“To really make these things effective, we really had to convince Innotek to up the amps that would be emitted,” Whitehead said. “Their first prototype gave off only 15,000 volts. That was the maximum, too. Can you believe that? I can’t. You can’t teach an old dog a new trick if you don’t show him that you will beat the living piss outta him if he doesn’t roll the fuck over. And only 50,000 volts will ever teach that dog to roll over. Hell, he’ll have to roll over because his damn fur is going to be on fire. But this kind of force is necessary. You get what I’m saying here? You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and you also can’t make an omelet without the Mexican cooks at the local Denny’s.”
While this new plan has many supporters, there are many government officials who are coming out against this new proposal.
“This is messed up,” said Carl Vendra, Immigration activist. “I mean seriously, this is just plain wrong. Sure, I like my Club Sandwich as much as the next guy, but I don’t want some young white kid making it. I don’t trust young white kids – they’re crazy. If you make immigrants wear these so called ‘Freedom Badges’ they wont want to come here. And then who’ll make my sandwich? Who will make all of our sandwiches? Think about that one.”