ATLANTA, GA – In what is being called the worst epidemic since the SARS outbreak, the nations top scientists are desperately trying to curb the spread of a killer viral infection known as March Madness. The disease, which attacks the central nervous system, has killed 80,000 people across the country with an estimated 20 million people infected.
To date, the virus has been contained to the United States but disease experts anticipate the infection spreading to Canada and Mexico within the month.
“(March Madness) is just terrible. Just sad and terrible. I have seen a lot of things in my time here, but nothing compares to this,” said Dr. Anthony Freeman, chairman for the Center of Infectious Disease in Atlanta, Georgia. “I have seen diseases that will eat a person’s face off. I’ve seen a strain of flu that will make a person pass their own intestines and stomach through their rectum. I have even lived through Jennifer Lopez’s movie career. I have seen more messed up stuff than I care to remember but you know what? None of that scared me. This? This scares me.”
March Madness is a disease that is easily cured if caught in the early stages, but if left unnoticed, the disease can be fatal in as little as two weeks.
“This disease starts out simple enough,” Freeman said. “One will develop a taste for chicken wings and beer, a taste that is not easily satiated. From this stage, one will move into a state of complete lethargy. I have seen people that will not move, not even a muscle for entire weekends. Then the pigmentation changes begin. Blue. Yellow. Red, I’ve seen them all.”
The final stage of the disease before death is delusion. Those infected will begin discussing basketball as if they actually care about it. Another common effect of the disease is the cheering for a university that the infected person has no allegiance to.
If the disease is caught within the first few days a steady dose of Lifetime television and exercise over a seven day period will cure almost all cases of March Madness.
“The key is to catch it quick and sit the person down in front of Lifetime immediately followed by a brisk jog,” said Freeman. “If that doesn’t happen, going to a play or Cirque du Soleil has reportedly worked.”
According to the Center for Infection Disease, there is no cure once the disease has taken hold in the body and the only way to stop March Madness from spreading is a shotgun blast to the back of the head.
“We know it’s a little drastic but (a shotgun blast to the head) really is the only way,” said Dr. Jessica Joseph of Emory University Hospital. “Once you notice a person ordering pizza more than once a week or someone using the term ‘Duke’ more than once a day, you have to take action quickly. Even if it is a loved one. You have to blow their god damned head off and pray to your god, the one that probably doesn’t even exist, that you aren’t infected.”
The state of North Carolina is one of the most heavily hit by the disease with almost 4% of its population infected.