WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Bush admitted in a press conference today that some of the intelligence received previous to the Iraq war was incorrect. The source of the problem, he said, could be traced back to a typo. Instead of “Iraq,” a key document should have read “Iran.”
“Basically some stupid secretary screwed up and we invaded the wrong country,” said Pentagon Spokesman Glen Telle. “That is totally our bad because there is no way we should have let something that important be handled by a woman. Rest assured that the responsible party has been fired and will never work in this country again.”
A Pentagon report stated a paper from the early stages of intelligence gathering was incorrectly translated to say “weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.” According to Pentagon officials, the correct statement should have read “weapons of mass destruction in Iran.”
“It’s a simple mistake you see,” said Bush. “I do it all the time. Hell, I did it just yesterday. Always mistypin’ stuff. You know how tricky these new keyboards can be. So instead of Iraq, we all meant to invade Iran. So we’ll fix there here soon and invade the right country. And we will invade them like we’ve never invaded a country before. We’ll go in there all sneaky like and jab sticks in their eyes. Why? Terrorists hate having stick jabbed in their eyes. It’s a fact.”
Although the United States did invade Iraq under false information, Bush was quick to defend the decision.
“I’m not sayin’ that invading Iraq was a mistake, hell, we needed to get that Sadam guy out there anyways, but hindsight is always 20, uh 100,” said Bush. “We’ve fixed the mistake, apologized to the Iraq people and now we are spell-checking our stuff and getting ready for going into Iran – like we meant to the first time. But I’d like to point out that we did them Iraqis a big old favor by gettin’ rid of that Saddam guy. In fact, them Iraqis love us now. Just the other day one of them asked if I would join them for dinner. I said no, because I don’t like sand. Or Iraqis.”
Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice laid out a plan for withdrawal from Iraq and the subsequent invasion of Iran during a meeting with British Prime Ministry Tony Blair.
“Although we did invade the wrong country, there are some good things to come out of all of this,” said Rice. “Because we meant to invade Iran in the first place, we don’t have to ask Congress or run it by the (United Nations) because we already did back when we were getting ready to invade the wrong country. We can apply all those permissions and conversations to this new invasion. It’s just like in when you go to the store and get the wrong milk. All you have to do is take the new milk back and pick up the new milk.”
When asked if Britain would be joining the U.S. led invasion Tony Blair was certain in his response.
“Fuck no. (The U.S.) won’t be brining me down with them time. I’ve lied enough for the time being thank you very much,” Blair said. “Besides, I’ve got plenty to worry about in my own country. Did you know that David Beckham was considering moving to the Colonies? He bloody well better not, I can tell you that much. That bloke is responsible for 93% or our national income. If we lose him, we may just have to go back to counting on George Michael, and you know how that’ll turn out.”
According to Rice, the Iran invasion is scheduled for October.