IRVIVE, CA – Actress and former Playboy Playmate, Jenny McCarthy, is disappearing from existence, becoming more and more transparent with each passing day. If she is unable to reverse the process, McCarthy will disappear from reality altogether in a matter of weeks.
As the people pay less and less attention to McCarthy, the more she losses hold of her physical form. If the rate of the disappearance continues, McCarthy will be gone from this plain of existence by the end of July.
“This is a phenomena popularized by the documentary film ‘The Never Ending Story,’” said Physicist Grant Brenford. “Remember that movie? With the creepy looking kid and the big white dragon dog thing that was probably a child molester? And the big rock guy that was mentally retarded? Or was that in ‘Labyrinth?’ I always get those two confused. Anyway, remember how the kid had to save the princess by getting the world to remember her? It’s totally like that.”
According to an article published in the New England Journal of Science, 12 people must care about a person for that person to be fully represented in physical form. Any less than that and people become more and more transparent.
“Not to get to metaphysical here but when one goes unnoticed and unremembered, they start to fade away,” said researcher William Armstrong. “To put it more simple; if no one cares about a person, that person doesn’t exist. More often then not it happens to formerly hot chicks that loose their appeal. I could run off a list of names but I’ve forgotten them… which just proves my point.”
The only hope for McCarthy is that she can refresh herself in the minds of American citizens.
“We are going to be working really hard on preventing (McCarthy) from disappearing completely,” Brenford said. “We have a few tricks up our sleeves that we hope will work. One is a drugged-out, creep-out spree, kinda like Margot Kidder did a few years ago to stave off a similar problem. Or we could pull an Anna Nichole Smith and marry her off to a millionaire on his death bed. Of course, if both of those fail, there’s always hard core porn. Because seriously, she’s only one step above that right now.”
While this phenomenon has only recently been classified, researchers believe that it has been around since the beginning of time.
“Who knows how many people have just faded away because people stop caring about them,” Armstrong said. “I mean, we only realized that this was happening when old what’s her name started to fade from view. Gosh, what was her name? She was blonde? Oh man, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Anyways, that’s not important now. What is important is that we don’t lose any more chicks with really big tits.”
While McCarthy has already started to fade away, several Hollywood agents are already scrambling to prevent their clients from suffering the same fate.
“It would be a terrible, terrible thing if any of my clients faded away, but it would be especially bad for Lindsey Lohan,” said Lohan’s agent Ryan Maddox. “I mean seriously, she’s my meal ticket right now. Everyone wants a piece of her, literally and figuratively. And believe me; I am going to be riding this gravy train for as long as I can. Now, with people starting to forget about Lindsey, I have taken the necessary steps and outlined the rest of (Lohan’s) career to keep her in people’s minds. See, look. This year she’ll star in three movies. Next year four. The year after that, she’ll pose for Playboy. The year after that, she’ll get shot in an attempted robbery trying to get money for crack. Then rehab and a ‘coming-clean’ about her addiction special. I think that it’s going to be a very profitable for me.”
According to Armstrong, the process is irreversible.
“Once you’re gone, you’re gone forever,” said Armstrong.