NORTHERN ISRAEL – With the war between Hezbollah and Israel stretching into another month of intense fighting, the Israel Defense Force is set to deploy a secret weapon – a highly trained strike force of Woody Allen clones.
The strike force, codenamed Bananas, will assist armies protecting the northern border of Israel.
The creation of the all Woody Allen unit has been in process for almost 20 years and the escalation of fighting will be the first time the unit will see action.
“We started the Bananas strike force with a simple goal; scare and confuse the opposing army enough to give our military an easy victory,” said Israel Defense Force General Ishmael Pazner. “We know that the world is terrified of Woody Allen, except New York City, so we will use this task force to obliterate our enemies… which is almost everyone. Upon deployment of these soldiers, we will also broadcast all Woody Allen movies on every television in Lebanon. Hezbollah should submit within hours.”
Israel scientists spent 20 years and over 100 million dollars attempting to clone Woody Allen and five years ago the money and time paid off with the first successful, sustainable clone.
“It was difficult, I am telling you this,” said Israeli scientist Gabriel Wezrili. “We had many, many accidents and bad outcomes. One particular cloning attempt produced a Woody Allen body but his head was that of a serious deformity. I will not say what it was but it has similar to that of a scrotum. Other attempts, almost successful, produced clones that did not… last. After 10 minutes their whole body would explode causing a great mess. We had to call our wives in to clean the mess. It was not good.”
The Israeli Army first came up with the idea for the Bananas strike force after viewing a marathon of American movies produced in the 1970s. Among the movies viewed that night was Allen’s “Sleeper.”
“In that film (Allen) single handedly beat every opponent that he faced,” Wezrili said. “The scene that most stands out in my mind was when Woody climbed into the robotic armor to fight the alien. When we saw that, we were in awe. Of course we didn’t realize until after we had already started the Woody Allen army that we were not correct, and that scene was actually from film ‘Aliens.’ But we were too far into the project by then to start over. The TV Guide, it had a misprint.”
Hezbollah has issued a statement dismissing the Bananas strike force.
“We will not let the Zionist propaganda detour us from crushing our enemy,” Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah said. “Woody Allen or no, we will be victorious.”