Washington, DC – The Senate has passed President Bush’s new domestic spying legislation which will allow the National Security Agency more freedom in gathering information – specifically from women ages 18-25.
New methods of spying and gathering information without first getting a search warrant were the bulk of the legislation. One of the key new tactics now available to the NSA is cutting eye holes out of paintings and drilling small holes into the walls of women’s locker rooms.
“This world is a dangerous place and now we have the tools we need to make it more safer,” said President Bush. “I applaud the Senate for coming together and passing this really important part of… part of a law. In these times of crises, there is an over-abundance of people who hate our freedom. These people will stop at nothing to kill you so we must stop at nothing to make sure you aren’t killed.”
Vice President Dick Cheney also praised what he calls “a giant step in the war on terror.” During a speech at a fundraiser in Atlanta, Cheney said there will be an immediate return of information.
“I don’t want to give away any national secrets, again, but we’ve already started the ball rolling,” said Cheney. “This morning, I personally approved the installation of 36 locker room spy holes in select universities across this country. The information we gather from these young, naked women, will allow us to find Osama bin Laden. We feel that the women of the Pac-10 have a lot they can tell us. Next up is the SEC. They got them some big tittied women down there… big tittied women who may know where Osama bin Laden is hiding.”
According to NSA Director Keith Alexander, attractive women 18-25 are targeted because of their connection to “bad boys” and their willingness to discuss secrets in small groups.
“Firstly, American women are drawn to the rebels, the troublemakers,” said Alexander. “Just listening into a conversation between two women can get us a lot of information. Guys tell hot chicks everything and chicks tell other chicks everything. From my experience, these conversations between women happen while they are showering or getting dressed. Sometimes even when they trying on new clothes. So we have to take advantage of these times. Women have also been known to hide secrets in their vaginas, which is why we feel it necessary to install cameras in toilets as well.”
Another new method for collecting information approved by the Senate is cutting eye holes in paintings and stationing a NSA agent on the other side to monitor situations covertly.
“This maneuver has been in effect since the 1800s, but was never used for national security,” Alexander said. “But now, with eye hole cutting technology being so sophisticated, the practice is once again viable in the world of espionage. Now all we have to do is get someone who knows where bin Laden is into a room and we’ll have our information. It’s just that simple.”