NEW YORK CITY, NY – Whether celebrities fly to Africa and Asia to get one or simply make one the old fashioned way, it’s clear that this fall’s hot, new fashion accessory is a baby. Babies are popping up all over the place in the arms of celebrities and socialites driving demand for babies and baby accessories through the roof.
“Babies are hot right now. Even hotter than Cocaine,” said fashion consultant to the stars Gail Weaverses. “Just look at the list. Everyone who is anyone has a new baby. Britney, Tom Cruise, Angelina, Madonna all have new babies. They’re so easy to get now, too. Anyone can just fly on over to Africa and pick out their perfect baby from the millions that are on the shelves over there. Angelina has one for each day of the week. Now that’s hot. I hear Paris Hilton has even stopped by a baby market in China so she’ll probably have one under her arm in a couple weeks.”
Seeing the surge in the baby market, the price for African children has been raised but it still well within the price range of even D-list celebrities.
“We are glad to see our children being purchased, but this is a free market,” said Beutru Shimondi, Ethiopian Foreign Exchange Commissioner. “The money we receive for selling our babies will go directly into the upcoming war with Somalia. All we need is for three more rich American celebrities to purchase our children and we will be able to strike at the heart of Somalia, crushing their will and stealing all that Sally Struthers has given them.”
Still, some celebrities are choosing to make their own baby by having vaginal intercourse with a member of the opposite sex – something unfamiliar with many celebrities and socialites.
“I’ve spent several weeks with famous people over the last couple months teaching them how to procreate,”“ said Dr. Marcus Feilder. “I don’t want to name any names but one of them rhymes with ‘mom bruise.’ It is really interesting how little some of these people know about the opposite sex and what body parts go where. For some we’ve just had to give up and use a turkey baster loaded with some Dad sauce. Of course there is the flip side as well. There was this one socialite I worked with who I’ll call France Marriot. She honestly had no idea how to make a baby. I kept saying to her ‘Paris’, I mean ‘France, to make a baby, you can’t put that in your mouth or your anus.’ I’ll tell ya, that was a hard sell.”
To capitalize on the new baby craze, a myriad of companies are releasing products to help personalize each baby and give it a flare and design all of it’s own. Everyone from Prada to Guici are rushing products to the shelves. The first product to hit the shelves will be a leather baby bag that will allow owners of a baby to carry the baby with them wherever they go.
“You’ve all seen those super cute carriers that celebrities use to carry around their little dogs, this is the same principle,” said Prada designer Willhelm Voner. “We like to think of it as an all in one baby carrier. It’s compact and you can easily stuff the baby into when it’s being fussy. Out of sight and out of mind is a good thing when you’re trying to get your game on. And, so you aren’t being totally cruel while you’re having the sex of your life with a hot stud muffin, there is a place in the bag to store Cheerio’s. I hear babies love Cheerio’s.”
Among other products coming soon are collars and leashes, skin dye, and baby-backpacks for carrying cell phones.
“There are going to be so many baby products out in the next little bit that everyone will be in fashion,” Weaverses said. “I can tell you one thing, Tom (Cruise) and Katie (Holmes) are super excited about the baby dyes. Before you could only match your babies clothes with your ensemble, but now you can actually dye your baby the same color as your outfit. Katie is going to look so cute in her mauve sun dress and a little mauve Suri hanging over her shoulder.”