Washington, DC To Open Crack-Themed Museum

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An artist's rendering of the entrance to Crack World
An artist's rendering of the entrance to Crack World.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to draw more tourists to the nation’s capitol, the Mayor of Washington, D.C., Anthony Williams, has announced plans to open an interactive museum devoted to the city’s most famous product, crack cocaine.

“We feel that we need to do this in order to give our local economy a shot in the arm. And yes, that pun was intended,” said Williams. “Everyone in the entire country has already seen all the monuments so when people come once, they think they never have to come back. But now, with our Crack World, people have something new and exciting to see and hopefully they’ll come back again and again.”

The museum, which is planned to be larger than the Smithsonian, will feature an in-depth history of the drug as well as several interactive exhibits where visitors can “experience crack in every way imaginable.”

“(Crack World) is going to be absolutely amazing,” Williams said. “We are going to have the history of the drug that begins with the CIA creating it and distributing it to the African American community and continuing all the way to the present. The best thing is the exhibit can be constantly updated with new information. Like, say, if on Tuesday someone does something utterly spectacular with crack, or while on crack, we can have a new entry in the history on Wednesday. So basically, it will be an ever changing exhibit. And we can’t forget the Hall of Greatness where we’ll have animatronic recreations of some of the greatest moment in Crack History. I won’t spoil anything but the Whitney Houston/ Bobby Brown segment is going to be nothing short of magical.”

The museum is the brainchild of DC resident and prolific crack addict Reggie Kirby, who came up with the idea during a recent trip to Atlanta, Georgia.

“Man, I was drivin’ thorough Atlanta with this whore, and we got all kinds of excited when we saw some sign talkin’ about ‘World of Coke,’” Kirby said. “I was all thinkin’ ‘hells yeah, I’m gonna go get me some coke, gonna fuck this whore and drop her ass off without payin’. It was gonna be sweet. All I can say is that whens I pulled up and saw that it was really the World of Coke as in Coke-a-cola, I wanted to hit someone. Luckily I had a slut bomb sittin’ next to me. So as I sat there with a whore, now with a black eye, I was smoking a rock and I thought ‘there should be a World of Coke, no, a World of Crack.’ Then I blacked out and here we are.”

While many of the other details about the project are being kept under wraps, Williams has already announced his strategy for admission fees.

“The first time you go the museum will be completely free,” Williams said. “But while it is free, you can only go into the lobby and see one of the animatronic shows. But after your first visit all you need to do is pay ten bucks a trip and you can see as much of the museum as you want. But every time you see it you’ll only want to come back as soon as you can.”

Construction on the museum is set to be complete in March of 2007.

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